xx ThatGhurlAzian xx

t-HIS shirt.

2010-03-05T05:04:00.002+08:00

Every night I hold you in my arms, eventhough I am so angry with you.

I breathe in the scent of you and my heart broke..

I miss you so much, I have never felt this way in the middle of the night!!

Knowing you are so close to me, but yet so so far!!

I wish I could feel immune, pass this phase.

Your shirt becomes a substitute for my daily dosage of being with you.

Your scent becomes a need, a very strong want that I have to cover my face with your shirt to sleep.

Your scent makes me sad, like I am going to cry all the time.

At the same time I yearn for you, but Howell, things have to happen.

One day I hope I am able to let all of these go. 

DRY CO-UGH

2010-03-03T23:12:00.002+08:00

I feel like taking out my damn throat, scrub it with a good brush and swallow it back.

UGH THIS DRY COUGH IS IRRITATING!!

2010-03-03T00:37:00.000+08:00

Omg I miss the cheese pizza and friEd wings at Ice Cold Beer!

2010-02-25T12:55:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is the day. Be strong.

2010-02-24T11:37:00.000+08:00

YOU ARE THE MOST DESPICABLE HUMAN BEING I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

2010-02-12T09:12:00.000+08:00

LEAVE ME ALONE!!

2010-02-09T23:18:00.002+08:00

I was so tired when he came to fetch but when I looked at him all smiles, I felt this funny feeling to hug and kiss him and talk about my day at work with all those funny customers. Hahah weird.

And I told him I haven't eaten but I was just too tired to have my dinner outside. So we went to top up his petrol and bought him some chips and a pack of ciggys and then he sent me home. I told him I couldn't buy food as I had to pay for his petrol and stuffs so therefore I had decided to scavenge for food at my grams' kitchen. About half and hour later, after I was done with my intsant noodles, my Hp rang.

"Can you open the door?"

And I was like "Huh??"

By then my grandfather had opened the door and said Haikal was standing at the doorstep. I was like a roller coaster of emotions, dunno how to react! I wanted to laugh, cry and get angry at the same time!

There he stood, with my fav meal amongst all; Double Cheeseburger. Boy was I truly touched. I was speechless, I looked at him giving me a look that says "What the fuck you wasted my time".. Because I had already eaten!! Baby I am so so sorry. You really should have called the house phone sweetheart..

Nevertheless, I sat and and munched on the curly wurly fries. Left my double cheese for tmr's breakfast. And I tried calling him all at the same time but to no avail, he wouldn't answer. Guess he was mad and probably still is.

Baby I am so sorry.

But what you did really moved me. I am surprised till now. Thank you, for being such a beautiful soul.

Once again I am sorry if my reaction hurt you, but know that I am very, very thankful.

I love you Haikal. Please talk to me soon ok love?

2010-02-09T11:29:00.000+08:00

WORK TILL I DROP DEAD.

2010-02-02T01:17:00.002+08:00

I miss the times I used to go out with him for lunch or movies.. I just miss those days we used to go out alone. Just the two of us.. Sigh..

2010-01-28T16:23:00.000+08:00

Oh so what's new?

We're fighting AGAIN.

I have to put an end to this.

2010-01-28T00:46:00.000+08:00

No I can't do this anymore.

I can't.

I just can't.

Oh boy.

I can't.

Trust.

2010-01-26T22:25:00.003+08:00

First, Boy went missing.

Now Bunny died of old age.

Who's next?

One after another..

Reason because?

I am no longer staying in the house.

Boy went off; I concluded he felt his real owner is amiss, therefore went off. Breaks my heart to even type this. Sighs..

Now Bunny, after 8 years. Leaves his family. Just like me.

I am just hoping the other 3 cats will stay. Because I brought home two of them. One of which I milked while she was still a week or two old. Every night I woke up to her cries, milked her and pat her back to sleep. I cleaned her mess, I shushed her when she made too much noise. I cradled her like a fragile glass, every night before I went to bed. Please oh please do not leave. You're still my baby girl, Ehmon.

And the other, I named him Little One because when I brought him in he was the smallest and littlest one. The playful one. He was stealing a Nasi Lemak's fish by the staircase nearby the market. When I approached, he kept on munching. I patted him and when he looked up, he had the most innocent little bluish green eyes. I was so hooked I ditched tuition. Lol. You too Little One, stay home and do not stray.

And not forgetting Tommy, your bite marks are still on me. So you'll always be remembered.

I miss you guys, terribly but looking at the circumstances, there is no way I am coming home. Until a miracle happens.

Be save you guys. :'(

Shit I am crying already. Oh shit. :((

2010-01-26T00:56:00.002+08:00

I'm walking away..
From the troubles in my life..
I'm walking away..

Sighs.

I may not be the best girlfriend.
I may not be the best friend.
I may not be the best daughter.
I may not be the best sister.
I may not be the best colleague.
I may not be the best relative.
I may not be the best girl.
I may not be the best worker.
I may not be the best listener.
I may not be the best editor.
I may not be the best whatsoever.
I may not be the best whatever ever.

But I am definitely the best at being secretive.
Hey I'm a true Scorpio.
Most things I keep to myself.

So don't assume you know what's going on in this head of mine.

Don't assume you can judge, don't assume you can manipulate. And don't assume you can tell.

Because I might show my emotions on the surface but what's beneath is the depth that no one has ever touched before.

I am not strong, I have a soft heart.

Hear me whisper in my dreams.

When I am sure you are the right companion to my world.

2010-01-25T10:06:00.004+08:00

At 5.30am, my grandmother shouted because of a nightmare.

I just looked at her while my grandfather talked some sense trying to zap her back to reality.

She tersadar on and off.

"Eeeeee sane!! Tu tu Ade orang dekat pintu hall nak masok!! Topi die besar...!!"

LOL.

And at one point of time she was mumbling, and when she saw my grandfather beside her, she laughed and drifted off into her nightmare again.

I giggled for 15 mins all the way through. It was so damn funny. Lol. My grandmother is the cutest when she is having her nightmare. Hehe.

2010-01-21T00:36:00.000+08:00

I am a total idiot.

2010-01-19T23:17:00.004+08:00

Likewise if you can't be bothered, I can't too.

And what the fuck is wrong in adding my school mates in FB? Nothing right? Just like what you're doing, right? And what's wrong in replying comments after comments in my friends' walls or mine? You're doing it too right? Nothing wrong, right? So what's wrong in Getting pissed when you start interrogating me? I didn't do anything wrong.

They're just school friends, nothing more.
Whether they're good or bad, they were once a fraction of my life when I didn't even know you existed. And there's nothing wrong in adding my friends whether good or bad. We laughed, cursed and cried together. What's so wrong in that?

Hey everyone! ALL OF Azian's FRIENDS ARE BAD PEOPLE K!

So that's why she is not allowed to have friends. Boo hoo. :(

I'd rather die. Then become this miserable girl. Makan hati ah hari hari!!!!!!!!

I NEED TO SCREAM.

2010-01-19T00:25:00.002+08:00

I don't know what to expect by the end if the year. Sighs.

I don't know if I should start saving for real and take up a course that interests me at heart.

I don't know what to prioritise for the next few months. Don't know what to do with my salaries.

I don't know what laptop to buy, whether I should apply for broadband now that I am living with my grams.

I don't know if I should take bike license just because I think it's so edging cool. Because he keeps on pigling at girls who ride so I don't know if I should let him feeeeeeeeeel how I feel. Ok I know that's really ridiculous but partly that's the reason why. Hmmpf.

I don't know if I should start finding for another job, of course a
better paying one..

I don't know if I should dye my hair a darker shade like a rich dark brown with some blonde highlights.

Geez.

I have so many things on my mind I don't know what to do, where to start or even how to react. Ugh.

All I know is I am living my life like a sad, sad girl, living day by day as it is. Nothing new, same old, same old.

Oh boy. What the hell is going to happen to me later?

Nope, I have no idea.

I think I'd just die.

:(

2010-01-18T16:48:00.001+08:00

You can't even control yourself so why are you complaining? Ugh.

2010-01-18T12:24:00.000+08:00

DRAMA!!

2010-01-17T02:23:00.003+08:00

You're so cute, do you know that bf?

Funny why I find it awkward to tell you that.

See la, must be you. Influence me not to be expressive. Haiyahh.

Sometimes I really wanna pinch your cheeks, sometimes I really wanna hold your face and hope that you'd b senseless for awhile so I could savor the moment, sometimes I wanna bury my nose in your embrace and stay there forever.

And everytime when I am behind you on the bike, I breathe in the scent of you.

Like a drug.

You're an idiot.

And I'm a stupid girl.

I miss you like crazy already, eventhough I feel like killing you.

I hate to say I love you because it's cliched. So I guess I'd just settle for I need you.

I hope you would change.

Because I am damn tired of not trusting you eversince last May.

So Please oh please, ThatGuy. 

2010-01-15T00:40:00.003+08:00

So I need to buy a laptop, sign up for Internet broadband and start saving. I need to get my own place. I am waking up at 5.30 every freaking morning just to clear Manje's shit and suffer from insomnia for 1,2 hrs before I get to doze off again. And when I am about to do just that, my grams wake me up for work.

This can't be happening.

I am always telling myself to get more hours of sleep but I'd end up playing games in my phone and not forgetting my nightly rounds of fights with him before I get to go to dreamland. By then it'd always be 3,4 a freaking m.

Go Sleep sleep sleep Azian!!

NOW!

Go shoo!

Nope, stop. Go!

I said stop it already!

AZIAN!!!!

Are you actually passing your game for another round with him?

No no, this can't be happening.

I said stop it.

See, you can't stop.

OMG. stop it la!

Awwwwww man!!!

HELPIIINNG!!

2010-01-13T02:38:00.001+08:00

Sighs. Oh when oh when am I ever going to learn? The fact that I gave in too much or the fact that he's just stepping in my head? I feel so...so..... Ughh!!

I feel like banging my head against the wall.

2010-01-11T23:43:00.002+08:00

I think I will die if I am going to survive the year without a laptop. I am sure to die. Maybe next paycheck or the next? No no definitely the next two. Cause next month I will wanna go for a second visit to Batam and shop like nobodys business. Or maybe Petaling street. Hmmm..

I am sooooooooo embarrassed now that the mom (probably the father as well) knows about my life. So damn embarrased; the kind of home I have now.

And my cat, Ah Boy is not yet to be found.. Dunno where he went.. I don't know if he's eaten, drank or peed or pooed.. Whether alive or not.. Whether he is involve in any cat fights.. :'(

Come home soon.. Though I am not around I can feel your absence a thousand miles away.. And it breaks my heart everytime I think of you.. Everything about you tears me apart, you're the kind that's afraid of strangers.. You would run away.. Please use your senses to find your way home... Please.. It's been days... I hope you are safe wherever you are.. Everyone loves you, even if Zura always beat you, even if I always ignore you.. Come home soon... Please...

2010-01-10T01:42:00.000+08:00

Bodoh nak mampos.

2010-01-08T11:32:00.002+08:00

Customer: Hi I've got an appointment for three.

Me: Huh?

Customer: I called last night to make an appointment for three.

Me: Huh last night? But I didn't receive any calls last night for three?

Customer: Nooo, I called. Saying I would be coming around 7.45pm since you guys said 7.30pm is quite tight. I called, I remembered I called thomson's branch.

Me: *even more clueless* You did? Are you sure? But I really didn't receive any calls last evening you know.. And moreover our last appointment in thomson is 7.30pm, we won't take anything later than that.. I think you could have called our other branches? Maybe holland's or amk's? You wanna check your hp to see which number you called?

Customer: Nooooo, I know I called thomson, I live nearby here, why would i want to call holland? *picks up namecard* yeah I called 64522991 thomson branch, yes. For what I want to call any other numbers??

Customer's relative: They never write down la our appointment!! yah lor we won't call holland lor! For what!? You all said come at 7.45pm because we are making bookings for three.

Customer: Yes I think you all never write down.

Me: *being very patient* I'm sorry but I did not receive any calls yesterday for three pax at 7.45pm. like I said, here in thomson our last appointment is 7.30pm, nothing later than that. And I clearly remembered last evening we were not busy, if you had called, I would have written down your appointment. Maybe You really did call one of our other branches. I can't take you in now, it's too late already and there's only the two of us whereas there are 3 of you. And we close at 9pm. *so there, think.*

Customer's relative: Ai yahhhh, you all never write our appointments laaaaaaa. Then now cannot do right? Talk so much for what??

And they both left, raising voices saying it's my fault I did not write their appointments down.

EXCUSE ME!?!?!?

I almost blew my fucking top.

So I called AMK branch and asked if they had any appointments for three at 7.45pm, and just guess what.

They did. I wish those low life people would be of good riddance. Choke on your fucking fishball or get your leg run over by a car or get infected with severe fungus on your next pedicure you stupid local C**n**e bastards.

Urgh fucking y**lo* s*in**ed bastards!!!

Make me numb.

2010-01-08T01:33:00.002+08:00

Hold me. And mend my broken heart.. I am still very deeply scarred but I have missed you. And I want you so bad it hurts to even think about getting back with you. Feel me, seek for the leftover inside of me for you destroyed that very fragile thing you called love.

2010-01-07T17:58:00.000+08:00

I wish I was numb.

2010-01-07T00:36:00.000+08:00

My lovely grandmother talks in her sleep. Funny lah. Hehe.

2010-01-06T02:48:00.002+08:00

I had a big quarrell with him today. Became violent and verbal. He pulled and pushed, I pushed and cried and cried and cried. Last minute to the end I wasn't myself I slapped (or was it a kental punch?) him. It was nasty. Saddening. And enough. I just couldn't control any longer. I had to. I had to stop all of these. I used to say I will, And now that I have, I had already stopped this relationship to go any further. Let's just see how long it will last. Hold on guys. I'll be back in no time.

Been missing my life. Never had one for the past 21 years. If I have to be on my own, I will. Even if it means taking public, I would. Even if it means depression, I will go through it. And even if it means being alone.

This is the last straw. Wait how many donkey times have I said that? Ugh.

You make me miserable 70% of the time.

I deserve better, right?

2010-01-05T12:39:00.003+08:00

OMG I dreamt I've been cheated. They've been together only recently, without me knowing anything but with the girl being aware of our relationship. And everytime we're at the coffee shop, and when he goes to the toilet, he calls and talk to her. Then she came down all so slumber, initially being a friend of mine and the next all over him infont of me. I felt so hurt I could feel it when I woke up. They were all over each other, not caring about my presence. And next moment I was arguing with him and he was easily siding her for god knows what. And the next, I was crying like hell and walking towards her and pulling her long black hair. I was so angry in that dream I could swing her by the hair!! I really wanted to kill her but I couldn't do anything! I felt so incapable of separating the two of them. I felt so hurt when he could just remain silent like it's just another chick flick movie. OHHHH.. my...

And I dunno if I screamed while sleeping because I felt so angry, so mad. I cried so hard, so much that I think I really did cry cause I had dried up tears at the sides of my eyes when I woke up. And best of all I felt so shitty and moody and fooked up and NOT-THE-TIME-TO-MESS-WITH-ME, 15mins ago. Yah I just woke up. Ugh. What a day to start with. Ughhh...

Gotta go get a vacuum cleaner for home, a cupboard for my things, toiletries and bla bla, bla bla.

Somebody just please make me immune to My current life. Thank you please.

2010-01-05T00:42:00.001+08:00

What the heck is wrong with me? That you're always scolding me? I'm so wrong for you? Nothing is right? :'(

2009-12-30T13:24:00.003+08:00

Everything now seems to fall apart... Dear god, please give me the strength to overcome all obstacles... Please give me signs of danger coming my way... And please... get me a proper home for my cat Manje.. I hope I am not askin for much...

Murahkan rezeki aku Dan lindungilah aku Dan keluargaku Dari segala musibah... Amin..

Give me signs of a failed relationship so that I can prepare myself, I need to know if this relationship is going to work out... Give me signs if I am going to fall in life.. Give me the strength and ability to overcome my obstacles.. Please, please protect the ones I love..

I am nothing without you, please show me the correct path to a successful future.. And hold me when I fall. I am not ready to leave anyone right now.. I want to achieve my dreams before anything happens... Stay with me, don't give up on me..

And I don't know if i've been working hard but I need a pay raise.. Now thAt I am living on my own, supporting Manje and practically three more.. I don't need any more problems about anything at all.. Just open up all opportunities for me so that I can be a wiser person in this life you've created..

I want to put everything behind me and be immune, so please give me the strength to do just that.. And.... see after my health.. I am really worried... Sighsss..

2009-12-25T00:39:00.000+08:00

Soaking in some sun. :)

2009-12-04T21:51:00.002+08:00

Watched Couples retreat and I've got to say this, I learned things I wasn't able to notice.

Recommended for couples especially. Great movie, awesome highlights, vibrant colours and meaningful storyline. Good for those who have problems especially. Like going through a rough patch or trying to work things out.. Just watch it. I do have to say this, I loved it. Don't know if any of you who would but who doesn't have problems in their own relationship? I can assure you, you will definitely learn something from it. Go, try it. :)

Though when I watched it, it was the same as watching alone. So near, yet so far. Howell. Nothing new.

please!

2009-12-01T23:24:00.000+08:00

When I reconnect my line, I want a new phone.

And I want to sign up a new line.

Because I am sooo in love with Samsung OMNIAPRO.

Since I can't have Blackberry yet. Pfft.

Where's my paycheck!?

TAK SABAR NI!!

you or me?

2009-11-30T23:11:00.002+08:00

I don't know..

I really miss him..

But he's too busy..

And I am so sad..

I do understand..

But hell..

I don't know if things will get better..

Or worst..

I really don't know..

And I am so scared..

To give it another go..

I need space...

I need time...

I need to breathe..

I don't want things to happen again..

And I want my life back again...

I want my love life again...

I want my happy pills back again..

And I want to feel immune..

I want to love again..

I want to be loved again..

Yes...

I want to be loved again..

Nobody wants to be lonely. Tell me if you want to, we could switch places.

geez.

2009-11-25T08:33:00.002+08:00

One word. Mesmerizing.

The blue sky with surreal clouds. I was like a jakun kid bouncing up and down the bike just now. Just that the bouncing in my case was due to humps on the uneven road at Yishun Dam. Its been a long time I last looked up and appreciate Nature. Usually by the time I wake up, the sun will be too glaring. And I don't get to see day change to night as often as 3 to 4 years back. I'm always indoors you see. And for a moment there, I was stunned. I kept looking at the sky.

And this sense of serene blanketed me like I needed it so desperately. I was laughing while looking at the clouds, my helmet kept banging against HaikaL's but who cares. I was enjoying myself back there. Hahah.

Some day I would want to lie on the mat and just stare at the infinte space above me. A time when there's no sun yet. Because once the sun comes out, indoors I will be.

Somebody, anybody, can you please accompany me sky-gaze. I would appreciate absolute silence though. I'm a shitload of emotions nowadays. It's not easy to let go neither is it easy to stay any longer. But everytime I tried to walk away, something keeps pulling me back and I have no freaking idea what that is. As such, everytime I stayed longer, something BIG and BAD would always happen.

I really should have walked away in May. I really, really shoud have.

Good night everybody. I'm going to sleep now. Thanks for allowing me to join your revision time with Shane. And now, after helping to summarize part of your Communication Process notes into simpler forms, I missed school so bad. Thank you for that.

2009-11-24T00:30:00.000+08:00

I need a breather.

Badly.

2009-11-19T23:05:00.001+08:00

Don't know what to do. Sighs.

To leave house and find somewhere else?

Independent?

Seriously.

Otak aku buntu.

2009-11-16T01:48:00.002+08:00

I will never leave my cat even if I am being chased out of the house. I am bringing Manje along no matter how much it costs. I will never ever ever leave him. EVER.

pain.

2009-11-13T23:50:00.002+08:00

Like when I am having problems with boyfriend, I can't talk to anyone cause I have no close friends.

When I am having problems at home, the boyfriend's not there. Went missing. Sighs.

When I am having both problems, what can I do?

Lie on my bed and cry. I wish to die.

screw u.

2009-11-10T16:09:00.002+08:00

Could have gone to work! Ugh.

HaikaL, since you want to shut off like this then FINE.

Don't treat me like I don't mean anything to you. Don't assume I am not appreciative of what you have done for my birthday surprise. Now you know how I feel when the people around you are not appreciative of your doings?

Now you open up your eyes and look around you.

How's the feeling? Fucked up isn't it? Like no one cares. That is exactly what you are if you don't already know. I don't have to actually say it or do it online, your own mother thinks so too. Now you know how it feels like when people don't appreciate what you do?

And just for the record, I am not being unappreciative HaikaL. It's just you jumping to the stupidest conclusion. And don't play childish games with me by avoiding me since last night. You don't want to talk it over, you just want to shut off and prolong this stupid misunderstanding well then I cannot be bothered. I have tried calling you thousand and one times and you don't even have the decency to respond to my calls.

Stop wasting my time if you have the intention to let me go.

911.

2009-11-09T15:44:00.002+08:00

Somebody call NINE ONE ONE!

I'm at home on my 21st year!!

Looking forward to night though, wonder what the Chinos have under their sleeves..

Happy happy 21st Azian! :)

2009-11-06T23:23:00.002+08:00

Why do I always have to be the one running after you? Like you don't even give a freaking damn explaining things to me, like you don't even freaking give a flying shit to the world about me.

Whereas I am and have always been the freaking idiot standing by you.

This is so unfair.

You rejected all boys who added me in FB until todate. And you not only accepted all girls who added you but you went on a mission to search for the pretty ones online to add too. Funny cause I am doing the same thing too because whats the point of adding boys when you would cancel the requests? Might as well add people of the same sex. Hell you think you're like the angel.

So much for thinking of you when it comes to things online, things that might probably hurt you in one way or another. So much for thinking about your feelings when it comes to you being fucking broke and I had to be your sugar mummy. It has been years, I have been spending alot on you, yet you never appreciated. You jumped about on my freaking head, you shat and left it stinking and made me look like a disgusting living thing in the eyes of everyone. Like I don't value my dignity at all.

Damn HaikaL you ripped away my strength. You burnt my whatever-that-is-left-from-the-previous-relationship sanity. You lethalised me with your atrocious OTT green-eyed disease. I can't believe I am now capable of being possessive, heck what is the matter with me you?

Why am I born like this? Why am I too soft-hearted to the point of being dumb and not knowing whats right and wrong? Why in the fucking heck am I so weak everysince I learnt the meaning if LOVE? Did I start off wrongly starting 2002? Since then I have never held the status single for more than a week. Yea. You heard it right. I am so stupid, I know.

Missed out on the things in life.

3 more days, to my 21st birthday and with the looks of it, it'll be like any other normal day. Howell. Cousins are all not free, I have no friends, techinically.. And I am on leave starting tmr till Tuesday, I can't celebrate with my colleagues. Unlike last year, one simple thing they did was surprised me the day after my birthday with a chocolate cake. I was so touched. In the past 3 years I have been celebrating with HaikaL doing the normal things like movies and such. Haven't been celebrating with friends.. No wait let me cancel that out.

I've NEVER celebrated with any of my friends from what I can remember lah. God!? What a waste siak Azian. OMG really I didn't notice it till now. Am so deluded in making SOMEBODY happy that I neglected myself. What the hell is wrong with me man?

Somebody, please slap me. HARD. No stab me 3147538 times. That's more like it. And while I'm here, you're across the island, with a couple of what you call FRIENDS? Aaahh.. friends. The smell of it, the essence of it.. Priceless.. Why am I not allowed to have any while you can? And why am I listening to you when I can make my own decision?

Hell I buy my own food and pay my own bills. I used to pay my own petrol and I buy my own clothes. Why oh why. I really need to be stabbed.

Oh please grow up.

No, not you HaikaL as I know you'd be reading tonight or soon enough.

But you,yes you. Azian.

GROW FUCKING UP.

It's not worth your time.

And WAKE FUCKING UP.

There's more to life.

2009-10-20T01:05:00.002+08:00

OMG. Is this blog dead?

Hahah.

I'm just very busy la nowadays. What with work and all. I have heaps of pictures that are so overdued. Have yet to upload them in here, update and keep this page alive. But I haven't had the time!

2009-09-24T00:57:00.000+08:00

Soon, it's back to SQUARE ONE.

oops.

2009-09-20T23:50:00.002+08:00

Pictures for today are already in my FB, so check them out. Will update soon when photobucket's not being a bitch like you.

Selamat Hari Raya, to all Muslims. Maaf zahir dan batin.

2009-09-17T01:41:00.000+08:00

Weii blue colour dohh, baju raye this year with HaikaL! I suke!

cheers!

2009-09-13T12:47:00.000+08:00

Heaps of pictures to upload! Iftar session with the group last night especially, I was practically snapping my index finger off. Tmr alright! Wait up ya.

moderation.

2009-09-09T22:07:00.003+08:00

DAMN I misplaced my $50 worth of an ezlink card. Don't know if slipped out of my purse and left it in some of the 153753935 cabs I take nowadays, or don't know if it's hidden in between the folds of my mountain of clothes, or don't know if it's inside one of the pockets of three-quarters or don't know if it's at work.

Nope. I don't know. And I can't seem to recall anything. Like my mind is not allowing me to recall. That's so freaking weird.

Anyhoos, yesterday went to catch Aliens in the Attic with HaikaL and ate late dinner at Rubina's beside Sembawang Shopping Centre. Then we went to one of Naughty's girlfriend's house to surprise her of her birthday. It was really funny. She practically opened and upon seeing the big boys singing (of all) Merry Christmas, she shut it back and we girls were like giggling away while the boys are laughing harder. The rest of them had pizza and home-made Fried Bee Hoon while HaikaL and me indulge in some finger-licking good ice-cream cake. It was purely mouth-watering if you hadn't had dinner before that.

Both HaikaL and I had one each, strawberries topping and whipped cream. Made of yummilicious chocolate ice-cream with (I think) cookie crust bottom. It was marvellous. Thanks to one of the girlfriends of one of the Naughty guys. Ok I know, I don't know their names and I am so shy to mingle around because I don't know any of them except for HaikaL's friend la. Probably if I get to meet them again, we could prolly get to know each other better I guess?

And frankly speaking, I am really sorry I misjudged his friends in my previous entries. It was due to the circumstances that got into the way of my temperament. Maybe it's because I never did mix with them before that I tend to judge you see. But after yesterday, I found they're not that bad afterall. Crazy fun guys with killer jokes and hilarious facial expressions, forever smiling girlfriends they have, they're kindda...... I don't know... maybe oh-kay is the word? No no that alone is pretty untrue actually. More like 'okay ah, tak sangke giler nak mampos jugak!' .

Hahah. I like Fadzli's girlfriend though. She's very very nice! The birthday girl too, she looks freaking young for her unbelievable age! And the 'beyonce girl' whom I last met had sore-eyes and was wearing shades in the middle of the night, the ever so humble Su person, the other red top girl is all smiles with big eyes :) and this bubbly Pishboll girl too. All of them seemed really nice girls.

Other than that, the guy bunch are just like any other designs, I guess. That sense of brotherhood, especially. More like brotherhood than fanatism la. Unlike the phantom bodohs or the alip kontols living on planet Earth. EEEEEEKK. Ooops.

K k, I'm still not a fan of any though. But ask me to choose, I'd prefer Naughty anytime. Qirana too cause I am apparently the friend of the girlfriend of it's left-hand man. Heh. I am kind of filled with Qirana's before and after summarized. And before I speak bike and rider, and never-heard-before bike groups' names, I'd rather stop here before the hate-comments start barging in.

I am sooOo in trouble. Where in the fucking heck is my ez link!?

breaking. apart.

2009-09-08T01:22:00.004+08:00

So I guess this is it then?

I have my reasons why I couldn't trust you. It took me 2 and a half years to build something so strong to really trust you but you had to break my whole world with the snap of my fingers. Everything seemed so fast, everything came crashing down, I didn't know what to do. I loved you HaikaL, it's not so easy to do that. I gave my world to you, I gave my heart to you. But you decided to play with it and that really saddens me to the point I am on the verge of falling apart... You have no idea how bad it is for me to build that trust again. You have no freaking idea.

I may have done something stupid in the past, hell I even went out with him and another couple and yes, it's my mistake I accepted it and I have since apologized but if you're playing the revenge game, it will never end.

Think about the time when you and I used to be so close.. So fucking close everyone practically knew us for each other.. Those were the days when you were at your lowest, I was there the whole freaking time, I had a job and you didn't, I supported you with whatever I earned. The times when we went out, I spent on us, and I enjoyed the feeling so much you hadn't even noticed. Hell HaikaL, I waited for you throughout your NS days, two fucking years and anything worst could have happened but nope, I didn't even contact with any other guys. I just lied so much about my whereabouts saying I was somewhere else but actually no, I was with my gayfriend. I lied to you for a GAYfuckingfriend. I wanted so much to be part of their not giving a shit world but you denied it. I thought heck maybe it's just another one of those phases everyone has to go through. Leaving friends for their spouses.

And I did. Which cause me a fuckload of discriminations of you, and I had to swallow them down because I made a choice and I stick to it. I may have been stupid but to me, it's the best I could do. I didn't wanna lose you at all HaikaL. AT ALL.

And since you don't wanna talk on the phone, you have the whole night to think it through if this is worth another shot. I'm so tired already. So tired of bawling my eyes out everynight. I know this is going to happen. I just knew it. It's just a matter of time.

And babe, 3 years. Remember that. We've been through every.............. single....... thing.

Never ever forget that...

I don't know if you're crying now in your own bed, because I am, and thinking you might be crying too hurts me so much I wish I could talk to you until the sun rise but I respect your decision to needing your own space to think this through. No matter what your decision is, whether to let me go or to give us another shot, will be highly respected by me. I really hope for a miracle tonight.

Trust is the only thing we need to work out on now.

".... if the relationship makes you feel more upset and exhausted, you know it's time to let go.."

True words.

But think about my being upset and exhausted which is nothing in comparison. I might have been a total bitch talking bad of HaikaL online like I'm the only one with the halo but deep down, those were just times when I was so damn angry and since I had NO ONE to turn to, what could I do? My blog is the one and only place for me to let my angst out. And syg, all of us have our own views on certain things my dear. And I love HaikaL too just like he loves me as much but it's really unfair for me if he gets to talk to other girls online while I can't do that to the opposite sex. I'd get a shitload of vulgarities from him. I know this sounds insane and immature for grown ups like us and we could have worked this out earlier but no, we failed to. And hence, it's a little too late to mend things.

I am really beyond sad this is happening and I really really wish HaikaL makes the right decision. Of course I would no doubt give this yet another shot but I need to know he's more than willing rather than forced or not full-hearted. And I really appreciate your being concern of us, the things you have done like stood up for me or HaikaL when things get out of hand. You know your brother for 19 years of your life sweetheart, and you know his crap from day one up till todate. And my being with him for only 3 years is nothing compared to sibling ties. I am grateful to have known HaikaL, he thought me things I wish I had known earlier. We shared a little innocent life once, you could just imagine how attached I am to him. How devoted I am to him. I trusted him with my life Farah, I trusted him with my very own life.

I didn't know he was capable of a drastic and mean change once he got a bike. That bike caused us a shitload of quarrells. Him always telling me I couldn't understand, me always telling him to grow up. Especially within that very first month he got that bike, that MAS thing happened (refer to archive May 2009). Eversince then, my wall of trust collapsed and I couldn't trust him any longer. Even so, I fought for us because I couldn't bear to lose him. I wasn't even ready. Maybe I am not capable of taking care of HaikaL, I dunno.

Things just get more out of hand. We keep fighting and fighting, arguing and arguing to the point both of us are so damn tired, we dont give a flying crap to talk it out. We would always let it die temporarily before the next arguement takes place. It might have gone for a nasty 4 months already. They were times I even thought the relationship have actually started to die mid-May. But I couldn't accept the fact because I wanted to make everything right and back to normal but I failed to. I see him everywhere, in my dreams, in my fantasy and in my reality. He's so much part of me it's not easy to banish him away from my heart, body, mind and soul.

I understand that things are getting out of hand and I'm being absurd as to blow things out of proportion when it's just a measly little pathetic thing that can be solved easily. Heck I dunno what to say now. I am so sad I can't even type properly. Seeing this screen teary-eyed is not something I enjoy so much. Having this feeling of unappreciated is killing me.

Take this night to think about us HaikaL... What we have gone through over the years.. I can type it out in detail if you can't remember. And if you've already reached your limit where enough is enough then I have nothing else to say... If that makes both of us happy, why not? But you and I know even when enough is enough, it's actually never enough. And letting go makes us happy? You sure about that?

And now you don't know what to do? Welcome to my world pretty baby.

Because I have been fighting for us, holding on to whatever that is left. I know what it's like to not know what to do.. I have been trying to get on my feet, and each time I fall, I get up to the point my knees are so weakened by my insecurities I can't even fucking let a day pass without thinking of the things running amok in my mind. I love you HaikaL and I wish you hadn't changed because of your bike...

Think thoroughly HaikaL, think. If you think your decision makes it all worthwhile to give another shot because tmr we are going shopping for hari raye stuffs together for the first time in our 3 years and get all sweaty and sticky together due to the heat and stuffiness in the atmosphere, then I'd be glad to listen to what you want to say. And then we can go back to where we started off, rebuilding our relationship to a higher level of trust and understanding hand in hand. Tight and secure, we will walk through it one more time. I just need your support, your strength and your never give up attitude to walk me through this relationship with you again. I don't want to lose you HaikaL, I never wanted to. Circumstances made me.

I wanna build a home with you, a life of joy and happiness, a generation of Arab-Chinese-Java-Thailand- blood ties. A love so damn strong, a sight so breath-taking, a journey so serene, a commitment so loyal and an infinte trust one can never develop. I wanna keep eternal pages of our love story, HaikaL. Our own little fairytale.

It doesn't have to end this way. We need each other so much, meant alot to each other. How can I ever pull this through without you? How can YOU do it without me?

Tmr might be a day of pure sadness, endless cryings and broken hearts.

Or.

It can be a day we'll never forget but cherish instead in the near future build for us (insyallah).

I don't think I can handle the former. It's too much for me. Too damn much. Especially with three years of memories build with a person I have grown attached to.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhan ku... Dengan namamu aku bermohon Ya Allah, engkaulah yang Maha Pemurah lagi Maha Penyayang... Engkaulah yang memberi kekuatan kepada hamba-hambamu yang lemah... You decide if this is worth it... If this creation of yours deserves the pain, give me the ultimate strength to pull through.. I beg of you... I have been reciting my prayers, have been turning to you everynight... All I need is the strength. And if worst comes to worst, I wanna be immune. Oh yes, definitely. I dont want to FEEL anything.

Remember forever and ever, babe?

*hugs myself tightly.............*

MATI.

2009-09-04T14:36:00.001+08:00

Fuck I just received news that I have to topup another $2360 for the loan balance. And after returning the cheque I have to fork out a freaking $1360 with my father. I am so screwed.

I don't think I'm going to raye already.

thank you.

2009-09-04T12:32:00.000+08:00

I am now officially without a car.
Back to public.
Thinking of taking bike license.
Hell, I don't know.
Naik basikal je tak betol, takot takot.
Nak naik motor. Godd.

Anyway it was a fucking good deal yesterday.
I was really surprised.

You see, last year my father took up the bank loan for $24K for my Savvy. And every month I had to pay $289 for the installment. So after a year, a guestimated quotation is already $3.5K right plus interest and all. Surprisingly, the car dealer took in my car for a freaking $21K and I'm left to pay for only about a thousand plus!

And since its under the law that if someone sells of his/her car to the dealer back again, the company has to pay a deposit of $1000. I don't know what that actually means cause the explanation given to me kept hiding in the corners of my brain so I don't have the exact explanation to provide. To me I took it like 'coffee money'? Okay I know it sounds horrible and bodoh but thats the only way I can understand.

Ok so the company gave my father a $1000 cheque before they did their paperwork with the bank to see how much we actually owe the bank. If we owe the bank say about $22+K after minus the monthly installments and bank interests, the company will minus off $21K (fixed agreement for the value of my car) from it and so I'm left with only $1000+ to pay the company back.

And since the company has given that $1000 deposit, technically speaking if the amount to pay the company back is only $1000, means it's free! We have to just return the cheque and pay for nothing! Isn't that awesome?! I should do this more often!!

But the wasted part was that my car has that NCD thing of 10% because of accident-free and since it's under my father's name, he couldn't add on to his own car because it just doesn't work that way. The only way to make use of that 10% NCD is to purchase another car. Of which I am so tempted to do right now. My father was so lucky there wasn't any car I favoured at the dealer's shop. Or else I would have persuaded my little sandals off him.

As of now I'm just going to stay low, relax for awhile before I think of getting another car even if it means getting wet while riding with HaikaL or taking public and spend more on cabs. I need to sort out my finance first and then I'm going to start saving. I wanna go back to school in August next year, well hopefully la. Need to get my portfolio done.

I'm so bersyukur kepade Allah as I'm now starting to bounce back from financial difficulties pace by pace. Though it's kind of a slow process, I'm still grateful.

Now all I have to do is to take things slow, manage my time, organise my daily routine and I'll be back on my feet.

So currently now I must not spend the money for Hari Raya green packets, right? Right. I am going to give the money to my father to keep it for me. Come next month I'll have to start planning for my 21st birthday. Which is so going to be a blast, I hope. And thank you to my mother who have made 7th Nov off for us family except my brother to visit the zoo. So now I'll just have to re-think things.

In the meantime, it's rebonding/big curls time!

I'm off to colour & highlight my hair today. :)

goodbye my lover.

2009-09-03T13:31:00.000+08:00

Made payments for the car loan - checked.
Paid for a month of dued insurance installment - checked.
Bought toiletries - checked.
Cleared the junk crap in my car - checked.

Waiting for 5pm now.
Will be meeting my Dad to return the car back to the dealer.
And now I am so sad.
No one I can turn to.
Sighs.

3 years of relationship, not easy.
1 year of driving own car, not easy.
2 years of friendship, not easy.
Close to 21 years of life, definitely not easy.
Future?
I don't know.

Now that I have more than enough cash to survive from next month onwards, I will spend it fruitfully on clothes. And more clothes. And prolly some new heels and bags. Maybe buy a blackberry AND iphone. PSP, DS, iPod, Haha. Ok kidding.

I might prolly save up for school in August next year.
And save up for a new car.

*raise eyebrows continuously with a silly grin*

facts. and fiction.

2009-08-24T23:01:00.002+08:00

Alright so I'm probably to die of heartache one day.

Yeap, I sure do know what you meant.

I can never change. Same old, same old.

Can never heed advice. To the point where everyone gave up trying.

I'm blessed with a strange amount of patience, can help that.

And I'm not about to come back only when necessary.

Leave when necessary.

Believe me, I want real people too.

I want to be zero-four(translate to Malay), so to speak.

I want all the things and the fun I used to have.

Somehow I am still not done growing up.

I am upset. I am hurt.

I don't even know what I want.

I can't even decide.

My big day's coming in 3 months and I am wishing for all the joy and happiness.

I want to be embraced in the arms of the two most important people I used to loved.

I still do, but I don't know how to tell them without letting these tears flow.

I want to be a girl too, not only a girlfriend.

And I don't know how to let these people know of my feelings without hurting any of them.

I want everyone in peace and harmony.

Of course honestly most of the time I'll run over to the other side to complain and complain and get crap for being stupid over and over again.

I want to know these people still exist. Are still there for me.

But somehow I know they're not already..

And what have I got now?

I'm always complaining and never satisfied.

Hell it hurts just to think about my birthday.

I am sure to feel empty.

I want both for now but somehow they can never merge.

I don't know...

Sometimes I feel like giving up, let nature take its course..

Sometimes I feel like a total screwed up bitch (oh yes I know k) but am not doing anything about it.

And with the sounds of it, I do know I am like the most useless and stupidest person ever living on this planet we call Earth.

How can I reach out, without hurting?

How can I love, without screwing up?

And how can I leave, without pain?

Sometimes I just wish I could be invisible.

And travel the world.

Meet new people.

Hook up with some big, brawny and affectionate English man.

Who knows the way to my heart.

Practically live off the books of romance.

Life would be like a bed of bright spring flowers on a raw green carpet overlooking a clear blue sea......

Where the beach is clean with a soft creamy sand and a breeze so fresh and the sun just about right......

During summer, splash around in the waters, soaking up some sun and a good cold drink......

Ugh. That is uber dreamy man.

Time to wake up to good old Singapore.

Damn it to hell and back.

Ugh.

So. Damn. Frustrating.

honesty burned.

2009-08-18T11:15:00.000+08:00

So I can't let certain things go.
If it didn't happen, I wouldn't have felt this way, now would I?
Less than 3 months and you still haven't forgotten about Mas.
What's so good about her?

Ok so I understand for a fact she must have been a fucking prettyhead.
With Chinese descent and no doubt super hot physique.
I've known all along you have the hots for Chinese-looking girls.
And apparently this Mas person fits into that category with 100% purity.
For the second time you told me it's nothing.
But obviously I wouldn't be that naive as to fucking believe you.
Because right now, nothing is going to work.

Oh so you still want me.
Yeah I can stay but I will never trust you.
I won't believe whatever you say.
I will linger until to the point it has become stale, I WILL walk out.

You had no idea how hard it was for me to crawl back up.
No fucking idea.
Too bad you're too delusional.
To even realise where you're standing.

And oh, don't worry. I played a part in this too.
I'm not about to make people think you're always the bad one.

I know you're still wondering about her. Thinking about her.
Wondering how she's doing. What she's doing now.
You miss her, don't you HaikaL?
Do me a favour and seek for the truth.
I can see it in your eyes everytime you look at me.
Twice now.
Wake up HaikaL wake up.
Things are already losing its grip if you have noticed.
And everytime I pray hard to make me see the things if you're lying or doing something behind me, it will always happen.

Don't blame me if I did not wish you a happy monthsary today.
I just hope that you could stop hurting me and just let me go.

bla bla!

2009-08-17T09:48:00.002+08:00

I know I should be bathing right now
and buy mac breakfast for Nurul and myself
but why am I here?
I'm so gonna be late.
As usual.

So finally tmr is my OFF DAY!
I'm so shagged nowadays.
Plans tmr are;
- Visit HaikaL's grams
- Visit MY grams
- Late lunch at Thomson Plaza's Banquet
- Spring cleaning
- 2nd visit to Optometrist to check the lens.
- Pay overdued car loan installment
- Dye Hair for $38 only.
- Buy Starbucks and chill somewhere..

And best of all is, I have a feeling only Spring Cleaning will be done. Howell. We'll see. Got to go now!

wtf

2009-08-13T23:11:00.000+08:00

What the hell is wrong with blogger? Or is it just my laptop?

my off day.

2009-08-12T22:22:00.006+08:00

Finally I did some spring cleaning. And I wonder where those junks come from EVERYTIME I start throwing stuffs. Gosh. The thrash bag was so full it almost burst! I can't imagine the spring cleaning days that are about to arrive before Hari Raya. All that uwanted historical junk under my bed, goodness. And that built-in wardrobe which had already faded in colour over the years is taking up alot alot of space. Both me and my brother had asked to demolish our built-ins and I had wanted to leave it empty. And I was told my brother wanted the kind of bed that could be lifted and pushed up against the wall. Ala the one mcm hidden gitu. And I had wanted a new queen or preferably a king. The one I'm sleeping on now used to be my parents marriage gift-bed or whatever you call it. So you can just imagine how old it is now that it's been 23 years in relative to my brother's age.

I've yet to spring clean my whole damn room. Which for a fact I know would take ages. There goes the plan to paint my walls for a new and fresher look. My white walls are now yellow. It has never even been painted eversince my parents bought the house more than 10years ago. I desperately need a new colour! But I'll be damned. I am so fucking broke for this month already and it's only the 12th. Can you believe it!? I've yet to wait another 31 to 32 more days for my next pay and with the looks of my commission rate going about this month, I am definitely fucking screwed. And to top it off, I will have to renew my insurance AND my road tax next month. And renewal of insurance this time round is not only a few hundreds. It's an effing thousand and approximately 5 hundred. I don't understand actually. They told us there won't be any more GIRO deductions already and that means I have to pay one lump sum a year's worth of insurance you mean? Meaning there wouldn't be any monthly payments? Or will there be, considering the fact that that thousand plus dollars is just a dunno-what-do-you-call-it payment upon renewal?

Seriously I can only drive. Other than that, NEVER ask me or explain to me. Till now I still get lost in my own home-town, Yishun. Really, not bluffing. And don't ask me what COE means. Don't ask me for directions to Causeway Point or Sembawang Park. I only know the route to my workplace to and fro and to HaikaL's house to and fro. To my grams at Kallang Bahru, AMK HUB, I know also. Other than that, 92% of Singapore roads, don't ask me.

And this month I'm running low on pills. Great.

So anyway, got my glasses done just now for $125 was it? I didn't know my left eye's degree was 125 and the right was 25 was it? Or was it 50? I can't really remember. No wonder I am so potek! I can't see especially at nights. All the lights blind me further than I already am and it has been a hassle driving at nights eversince HaikaL left my old glasses in the movies. Even during the day I'd be squinting my eyelids like an idiot. And believe me, when someone calls my name within a distance of about 3 metres while I'm engrossed reading, I'd look up to them squinting. I get frowns and laughs sometimes. All that fine wordings have made me literally blind to my surroundings. And to make it worst, I don't sit (except in public) when I read. I lie on my back, on my tummy and on my sides. Which makes me all the more blind-er kan? So bow-dough.

And I'm sure to love my new glasses. They're lovely. Haikal practically chose the colour and design cause he said it looked better than the rest. Howell I'll put up a picture of me soon. Till then it's surprise, surprise. :)

And so my off day, fruitlessly spent on... mostly spring cleaning. Life just couldn't get any better than that.

p/s: Shutting off for now is the best solution. Immune. Stale. Tired. Helpless.

p/p/s: I've been thinking. Maybe I really need a breather and I think I'll start planning to take a month or two off and leave for Dubai to chillax around with Fizah or Perth with some distant cousins soon next year or the year after when I am financially stable. Yeap, I seriously do need a fucking breather. And I am leaning towards the idea of renting out my car if all goes well during my absence. Hold on to that ya! :)

get fucking lost.

2009-08-10T23:49:00.002+08:00

You are delusional, HaikaL. Fucking delusional.
I can't stand it.
And everytime this happens I keep running away from the fucking obvious.
Ugh so fucking irritating.

EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get the fuck away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hilarious.

2009-08-06T21:54:00.002+08:00

When I say ,"EEEEE cockroach!!"

What do you do while sitting on a bench?

You stretched both legs straight off the ground with both hands by your side supporting your body weight.

LOL.

I laughed my ass off till I had tears and no voice.

Private joke.

EEh!

2009-08-03T22:31:00.003+08:00

Oh Scorpio for today!

In detail;
It's time to start recognizing all of the attention you have been getting for what it truly is -- praise and admiration! That hottie is not looking at the clock behind you, they're looking at you -- and wondering if you're single. Those complimentary emails you keep getting from your boss are not the kind of emails that they send to everyone else -- you're someone they are watching with an eye toward the future. Recognize the impact you have on the world.

Okay so it doesn't really apply to me that much..

Bottom line; Your first priority is to yourself. So go off on your own and leave everyone behind.

And how I really wish for that!

And then Cancer for today.

In Detail;
Someone you love is acting as if you're the one and only priority in their life -- and while you're not used to this, you're not about to argue about it. They've been working far too hard for far too long, and you're just glad to be seeing them. While you have their attention, of course, you might want to schedule one of those nice, long heart-to-heart chats. Make some coffee.

The Bottom Line; The sun is coming out, burning off your foggy thinking. Get ready to see the light.

You got that sweetheart? I'll see ya tomorrow k! Meanwhile, get well soon down-with-fever-and-given-a-week's-mc-by-that-darn-doctor little sister.

I know it's late but I'm really sad Scofield died. I cried okay!! :((

And I was browsing through old pictures and I realised my eyebrows were horrifying during those days baru nak naik. Goodness. Super thin and straight, what the heck was I thinking? Until my late teens my eyebrows were still kindda thin. And compared to now, gosh.

Oh btw, I really regretted throwing away my N and O Levels for some puppy love. I could be bearing my very own dip by now siol. See lah, when the parents say, "Belajar dulu." Oh please oh please you young girls out there! LISTEN TO THEM!! You'll so regret it later on when you reach an older stage where you're so freaking sick of working and not getting the credits cause you're basically buying your own shit everyday, paying endless bills and attending to wants and more wants instead of needs. I've rebelled, ran away, cursed, punched, screamed. Towards my parents. Because of one stupid mistake I made lead to 2 years of uber rebellion against religion. That period was truly despised back then. I'm now aware that school is the utmost priority than anything else. Funny, coming out from me. Because I can't handle adulthood with this measly pay in this kind of economy!!!

Please show me some light, the one above.

random yet again and again.

2009-08-02T23:43:00.003+08:00

Oh so random kay?

Okay. So I've been thinking.
Maybe I'd make do without a new room this year, literally..
And make a wishlist cum birthday list instead.
So I'll know what to save up for.
And as you would know, I'm still dying to get a PSP.
I know I know, that's so obsolete.
But I'd rather have a good phone AND a PSP so I won't run the battery of the hp.
I've got some major spring cleaning to do..
Got to head down to Bugis, town area and Geylang soon.
Ikea too.
Ughh.
Then I've got to make a list for green packets.
And the list for the Hari Raya-related stuffs to buy.
The positioning of furnitures in my room.
And the decor.
Decide on a final picture to be framed.
Decide on mine alone or the boyf and me.
Hmmm.
And then I've got to buy air-fresherners. So many of them.
Air-humidifier/Air wick.
New cat litter box.
Maybe engraved lockets for all 5 cats.
And the list goes on.
And on.
And on.

OMG. Tomorrow. Pay. Day.

black.

2009-07-31T23:17:00.000+08:00

Last night's dream was really really something.
I talked to my Dad about it and the conclusion was something I had expected.
I confirmed with my Grandad about my dream and indeed, I was advised to be wary of the people around me.
Close or far acquaintances.

A little advice HaikaL; be alert.
Someone is trying to get into my circle of tight boundary to get to ME, that's all I'm allowed to say.
That person's been watching me for quite some time.
I have no idea who in particular.
Or what he or she wants.

My dad told me to tell you this HaikaL.
"Jadi orang tu biar alert sikit. Jgn lalai, somebody might have had something against or on or for you (referring to me) and would go all the way to get what he or she wants. Kalau suke seseorang tu be alert of his surroundings. You never know, kawan boleh makan kawan."

Which means he's basically asking of you to be alert of your surroundings/aura/circle of friends/whatever. Since you've been with me for quite some time and seems serious of the relationship. Which personally I guess to really 'take care' and 'look out' for me. You know, like responsibility. That's what serious boyfriends do kan? Which I think would be too much for you to handle. It's okay. I can take care of myself. Which is part of the reason why that dream signifies that particular bird watching over my every steps and as I stop and look around, it landed on the ground and watched me. And everytime the bird tried to make that doubtful move towards me, either I kept running off or sometimes stayed and that bird simply just can't 'enter my boundary'.

I am aware some of you Muslims are endowed with hereditary 'perlindungan' from generations to generations, that sort of thing. Some are lucky, some are not. Some are sesat, some are not. I know some might even have the same hereditary endowment as mine if our great-greats happen to be under the same 'guru'. But lets all face it, it's either we are skeptical or not, right? I'm not a skeptic and I believe in my religion. I believe with God's will, you can prevent mishaps. Insyallah.

And sorry, I'm not into Black Magic nor ajaran sesat. I don't practice Bomoh nor Witchcraft. Or whatever else you call it. My ancestors and the whole of my family tree are religious people and I'm sort of you can call it 'well-endowed' just like some of you are. So to anyone who reads this and has that intention of bringing me down or getting around HaikaL or my family to get to me, let me just tell you something. Practice well before you enter because you'll have a fuckload of a big price to pay if you aren't prepared. Remember of The One who created you.

Atok said I might prolly get to see or know it myself in a couple of days, I don't know. Only the one above decides.

Insyallah, I will be safe.

Hey guys, am I really that bad?

I don't hold any grudges towards anyone neither can I remember anyone I fought with. Unless HaikaL la that is. As for the case of the ex? No way, it's been years man. I mean like hello? Get over it. And then comes the friends......... Hmmmm now this one...... Nope, I shall not resort to jumping to conclusions as I have no definite prove. So patience babygirl.

Pray for me ya. I'm always bad-luck prone. Howell. And I've not been reciting my prayers too. Ooops.

delusional.

2009-07-30T23:50:00.002+08:00

okay, Photobucket has really improved so much and I'm so slow.

Btw, HANGOVER was super super awesome.

And just now my shawl got caught in HaikaL's brake and I got so fucking bodoh on the bike.

I tried to pull and pull while the car behind honked noticing my stucked shawl.

I had to prevent my heart from coming out of my mouth.

I was so fucking scared something bad might happened.

And I honest to God almost cried.

I was/am so stupid. Stupid stupid.

I was so panic-striken I couldn't talk.

The aftermath was priceless though nothing happened.

Please refrain from watching too much movies Azian.

You're becoming insane by the day with those absurd thoughts and imaginations.

Like having an explosion when two cars collide.

Or getting lost somewhere and being raped brutally.

Or waiting for the moment when HaikaL kisses another girl on the lips.

Or marry a Mat Salleh.

God.

I am totally delusional.

What the heck is wrong with me man?

Someone please shoot me.

2009-07-27T23:29:00.000+08:00

sssshhhhhhhh.

keep lamenting Azian.

2009-07-24T23:10:00.002+08:00

Fizah, a little something for you.

I wish I wasn't working so we could catch up for old times sake.
I miss you, honestly. I miss school as well. I really really do.
And I am so envious of you.
Now that you have the kind of job that I've always wanted.
And here I am, feeling all so miserable over your success, luck and life.
Thank you for looking me up today to tend to your nails.
What with you living at the other end of the world. Technically.
And now that you've returned to spend your off days here, I can't be more thankful that you decided to look me up for your nails.
I wish you a safe journey back to Dubai on Sunday, and safe flights all around ya.
Maybe we should catch up again. You know where to find me. =)

Yeah I'm a pretty sad bitch. Pathetic as always. Can't deny that.
Where have my lucky stars all gone to?
The past two nights I've been crying over someone's Dad who just passed.
Strands of eyelashes kept dropping during the day for the past two days.
I am so horribly broke.
And I am about to lose all hopes.

Oh where oh where is my confidence and strength?

fuck fuck fuck.

2009-07-22T23:09:00.005+08:00

Scofield died.
My neighbour's father passed away today.

Haikal screwed up again with Facebook.
(Edited: Yeah so it says you didn't screw facebook up. Its been WEEKS dammit weeks newsletter or notifications would last be sent to your email address now that I've changed to mine. So EVERYTHING goes to my email. Hey you know what I think? I think you should prolly screw yourself up with something better. Get away from me lah sial.)
- Oh boy, what's new Azian?

One helluva day today.
God is definitely GREAT.

I'm so blessed I can read. I will read as much as I want. As long as I want.

How I wish this is not happening. Definitely, definitely not happening.

happy 37th monthsary

2009-07-18T22:28:00.000+08:00

tell me how now.

2009-07-15T23:45:00.003+08:00

Yeah man tell me about it.

I have no idea why. Even now I'm starting to develop serious doubts I thought I would never have thought of. And it's really creeping the shit out of me. Every now and then I remind myself there's no fucking way it's possible but then again, when you're so fucking desperate, why not?

I am keeping all thoughts to myself. I can't afford for any crappy misunderstandings.

I'm always telling myself, "Nope, this is not the way. He needs you to understand. Play the role and be good. Another year and everything's gonna be okay (insyallah)."

But when the subject starts missing in action, not giving a fig about me, not even having the initiative to call or drop a simple ILY or IMY to me, I'll start thinking, "What the fuck am I doing? Haven't I had enough of enough? How many times should enough be enough to freaking wake up and get the fuck out? Like it's worth it. You don't even know if the subject's telling the truth, why, you don't even fucking trust him! Your curiousity turns to paranoia turns to jumping to conclusions which will then resort to ridiculous assumptions and finally turns to deadly misunderstandings. And at the end of the day, you're the poor one to get the fucking death blow!"

So you see? At one point I'm very ready to understand and wait, put aside all misunderstandings and stupid assumptions. But on the other hand, there's this wicked little setan in my head with crazy FAQs holding me back.

And it's really, really driving me closer to my grave.

And again, I say my prayers.

is it?

2009-07-14T23:47:00.000+08:00

When you're with me, you act normal but when you're gone, it's like I'm invisible. I still can't seem to see where I went wrong.. I don't know how much more I can take from you.

Oh no I don't wanna hear it baby, I'm through. I know I'll still be missing you but it's not worth the pain that I've gained from you. What else is there to do? I ain't no heartless creature. I can't leave when we still need each other. But lately I've been feeling really unappreciated. You're taking my love for granted babe.

But then again Azian, what's new?

Oh yes I do understand you're a student now. I've been there for 13 years of my life since I entered Primary School. And yeah I also understand the meaning of projects, both mini and major. The distractions, hell yes. The misunderstandings I had gotten from you, been there. The ridiculous conclusions, God tell me about it. But all in all, I still had the time for you. Even when I was a full time student AND a part time manicurist. I had to juggle so many things at one time, yet I still had the time for you.

Oh so ITE and SIM different? Does that mean even if we don't do anything, skip classes and stuffs we'd be able to graduate? Fuck no. Just that SIM is of higher standard which mean more difficulties. MOST look down on ITE students. Isn't that so? No? But is that what you're trying to say? You taking me for a fool babe? You think I have no idea what you're going through sweetheart?

You wanna take my position? We can switch for a month. You pay bills, car&bike loans, food & beverages, outings and so on and so forth while I sit back in the lecture room, scribbling furiously on my little notepad. And then take a break and oogle and prettyfaces. Ahhhh.. I'll take school schmool ten times baby. I swear I will.

controversy.

2009-07-13T23:53:00.001+08:00

I am proud & bersyukur to be a Muslimah. And I can't fucking stand imbeciles who are not already stupid but crude as well towards other religions. God may these people burn in hell.

Oh oh btw. Watching Paris say her last words was indeed painful. I actually had tears in my eyes. RIP MJ, I'm not your biggest fan but rest assured I used to shake my bonbons while listening to Black or White. And that was when I was just learning what to do with a broomstick. And yeap, watched that Thriller of yours, bought a couple of cds for leisure and brother even mimicked your glove-styles.

Time flies huh people?

And believe me or not, I am missing school even more than I had expected. And I really wish I had enough money to pay for the courses that I want. Ya Allah, please help me through thick and thin because with You, I seek light and not darkness, I seek ways instead of running away. And please don't take my loved ones so soon.

I am hoping that I could get into school by next year. I just hope everything goes well, all problems solved smartly and gaining the courage to adapt to a new environment. I am praying for the best for myself, I don't want to mourn over anybody I love (yet) and I certainly hope I am given the opportunity to go back to school.

And on top of all that, I pray very hard for HaikaL's success. His success is the 2nd most important to me. I don't think he'll be reading my blog as much as he used to because he's been sooooo damn busy lately. Poor kid, he's probably to lose his mind soon.. I am not about to get in the way of his career path, even if we have been spending lesser time with each other.. I won't be selfish, I'll still pray for his safety on the road, his everyday health and his smoothness in his studies. I pray for his determination and concentration, his difficulties to absorb more than he could.. And I pray for his family, who's been stern about studies from Day 1 for a better future. I hope all goes well, insyallah.

God. I can no doubt do this every single day of my life until my heart fucking bleeds due to its emptiness. And today, it's 6 days already. Late.

Howell, this is life. Nobody said it is fair. Whoever said it was probably a fucking bluffer. A fucking low life lunkhead. A fucking NO life asshole. A fucking degrading sonuvabitch. And definitely a setan gondol idiot.

good or bad, He decides.

2009-07-10T23:25:00.003+08:00

Eyelid Twitching Superstitions and Myths
Millions of people suffer from eye twitching – in some it may be intermittent, brought on by a sudden increase of stress or sleeplessness. In others, it’s more pronounced and can interfere with day to day life. Regardless of which category a person falls into, there’s a goldmine of superstitions that revolve around eye twitching. In fact eye twitching ranks up there with itchy palms and hiccups as the most superstition prone condition! Each culture seems to have its own take on the deeper significance of eye twitching.
In China for instance, where superstitions and myths frequently cross over into modern living, the chief superstition seems to be that a twitch in the right eye signifies good luck, maybe a major windfall. A twitch in the left eye? Not so good. It’s a bad omen; a sign of ill luck headed your way! The entire situation seems to turn around in the case of females; for them, a twitching left eye signifies good luck while a twitching right one is a strict no no! - I hope this is true! Even among the Chinese, there seem to be as many superstitions regarding eye twitching as the sufferers themselves.

There is even a superstition based on an anatomical break down of the eye. A twitch in the lower left eyelid means you can expect to cry soon while a corresponding one in the right eyelid means good fortune is headed your way. There’s yet another one that claims a twitching eyelid means someone is gossiping about you. We think this is a pretty cool one - always good to know the exact moment when your enemies are bad mouthing you. In any case, all these mental calisthenics figuring out whether an eye twitch means you’re going to win the lottery or have the sky fall on your head, will probably give you enough stress to trigger off a whole new series of twitches!

Next to the Chinese, the Indians are the Olympic champions when it comes to superstitions. The commonly believed one here is just the opposite of the Chinese version. Here a twitching left eye is definitely a good omen, while a twitching right one is considered inauspicious. The Nigerians go with the Chinese version. Left eye – bad. Right eye – Good. Another superstition is a little more frightening than the above. It’s not clear where this one comes from, but according to it a twitching left eye means there’s soon going to be a death in the family. A twitching right one on the other hand means an impending birth. To the Hawaiians, an eye twitch can either mean the arrival of a stranger, or that you’re soon going to mourn for someone.

In Cameroon and some other parts of Africa, a twitching lower eyelid means you will soon shed tears. As far as superstitions go, this one is quite scientific. Tears normally flow from the corner of the lower eyelid. Still on Africa, when the upper eyelid twitches, it’s a sure sign you’re going to meet someone you didn’t expect to see. This one’s also connected to anatomical science, it seems. Surprise and amazement are normally expressed in humans by the raising of the upper eyelids.

- So now, which is which? My left eyelid has been twitching eversince God knows when. Prolly last week? I fear for the worst. It doesn't matter if I'm about to find out things I'm NOT supposed to. Been there, done that. What's worst was finding out the truth ON MY OWN. Now that sucked big time. And even if it's a bad omen this time round, and IF I could choose, I'd rather take another round of betrayal. Or even choose being in a situation where I have to make a painful choice. But absolutely not death in the family. That one is not what I had braced myself for.

Lately both eyes have been twitching. The eyelids especially. But the left one has been twitching longer. Usually when my right eye twiches, be it the eyelid or the lower lid, I'd end up bawling my heart out. It usually ends with a stupid and frustrating arguement with HaikaL. Once I remembered we fought so bad that I practically threw my phone against the wall while HaikaL was still talking. I was so fucking mad and that was the first time in our 3 years I threw the phone. I got so damn angry that I cried so hard I woke up the next morning with swollen eyes. It was really insane. Lucky for me, my phone was still intact. I had hoped the LCD would crack or the phone would break open but no, it didn't and all the more I was furious I kept crying and crying. God, even Manje was shocked at the noise. He jumped straight up from his 'terkangkang' sleep and searched for the cause of the noise. Haha.

Well anyway, it better be a good omen cause frankly, I don't want any fights between HaikaL and me now that he's started school and I don't want him to lose focus. And deaths are a definite no-no too. I just hope it's a sign to be expecting a long-lost somebody or seeing something good. Fasting month is less than a month and not the time to mourn for someone.

Speaking of which, I have so many things on my To-Do list. Things to be done before & during fasting month..

- First and foremost; colour & rebond on separate weeks. I SO NEED THAT!!

- Then the estimated value of about $150-$200 of green packets for my sister, cousins, grams, kids.

- Trip down to super hot hot hot Geylang with ever-so-whiny HaikaL to search for a not-too-expensive matching pair of baju raye. Thought of pink or baby blue. White seems pretty too. Dunno la.

- Do some light shopping for accessories at Bugis. Replenish my fake lashes, new Za compact...

- Tend to HaikaL's wants at reasonable pleas. Got to have a STRICT budget for that boy.

- Gotta think and decide on a colour for my room. Ideas?

- Buy a few pails of the confirmed colour at cheap prices. Where's the cheapest ah??

- Visit IKEA for ideas.

- Write down my budget.

- Decide on the things that I would need to re-vamp my room.

- Candles, lamps, pillows, shelves, storage boxes, potpourris, decors like shiny & sparkling & pretty things, etc.

- Drive down to IKEA with Asyraf or HaikaL or both, see la how.

- Get the stuffs strictly according to my budget.

- Get both of us tonnes of that IKEA hotdog bread. Yum yum..

- And lets see.. ahh.. decide on my nails. Haha.

- Oh yes! Killer heels to go with a chic purse! Oh boy!

Now I'm definitely excited. Have to start calculating already! $$$$$$$

Chey to-do list mcm earn more than $2k. LOL. Azian.... Azian.. Nevermind.. When there's a will, there's a way. Have to work freaking hard for more commission on July then!

By the way, do you know that my mom went for a facial session recently? Not only did she rebond (yes rebond!) her hair at only $58 but she went for facial as well! Wahhh tanak kalah. And guess what? She signed up a package with that facial place ok! Worth $300+, can you believe it?! I can't!! But she offered me sessions off her package though. Hahah. Don't know whats becoming of her nowadays. Last night I did French manicure for her. Her nails are like super loooooooong and pointed and the French tip was super nice because of her length. Looked like Acrylic. I wish I could grow my nails that long.. But at a certain length they'll just start bending and chip! It's so damn frustrating.

Oh and I really dislike the colour of my first day of raya outfit. It's like a medium orangey-beige colour. Ugh. Why the heck did my mother choose that ugly colour I have no freaking idea.

Congratulations to HaikaL on obtaining his 3GS iPhone tonight. While I'm typing this, he's still in town for that stupid phone of a deal. Ya, you can say he's one of those kiasu idiots who can't hear/see good deals. All in all, I just hope to God everything goes well with the phone, a safe ride back home and a good night's rest due to all the hours of queueing up.

And before I know it, I've had my car for nearly a year already. Gosh how time flies. Please next Oct-Nov, come faster! That's when somebody finishes his 15months of school! Insyallah without any mishaps or delays, okay! And I'm (insyallah) going back to school next July if all goes well. Especially when I intend to maintain the car by myself as well as working part time and being a full time student. Pray for me ya! :)

I don't want people to think I'm living off my future husband. I am able to fend for myself regardless of my being.

On this note, I'd like to say a big big humongous HELLO EMIRATES STEWARDESS to Nurhafizah over at DUBAI! I miss you babe. Come to my birthday party if can ya.. Haven't really decided on anything yet, but there's sure to be a celebration for my 21st year. I'll post an invitation to you. That means I need your address! Drop me a message in Friendster or in here k dear!

Oh btw, I tweet! http://twitter.com/azianxhtml. Follow me! Cause I'm following a helluva lot of lime-lighters! Best kan best kan aku jakun giler!! Sampai kene maki ngn Haikal! Haha.

to u.

2009-07-09T00:40:00.001+08:00

I don't mean a thing.

2009-07-08T23:03:00.002+08:00

Happy bird-daay to HaikaL.

Poor baby down with a bad cough.

Nah uh, don't wanna hear you in cahoots with the swine ya..

Haha enjoy your 23rd sweetheart.

And study hard k. 15 months is not a long time. :)

2009-07-02T23:23:00.001+08:00

What?

I WILL BE the bday girl.

2009-07-01T23:40:00.003+08:00

Oh boy.

I can hardly wait for my 21st. I want my Primary & Secondary school friends to turn up. My ITE friends especially. My colleagues.

Dress codes, food, drinks, colours, music, laughters.

I want my 21st to be a blast. Asyraf, I've appointed you to be my ~~maid-of-honor~~ organizer. Will call you up soon.

Club? Chalet? Pit? I have no freaking idea yet. But I'm seeing cries of joy & laughters already. And plenty of colours brightening up my day.

Miserable.

2009-06-26T01:07:00.000+08:00

Pathetic, so fucking pathetic.

Grand opening.

2009-06-19T22:01:00.004+08:00

Grand opening wasn't that grand actually. It was super noisy what with all that lion dance thing. Gawdd. The food was great, met up with all Lush Nails staffs and basically it was quite a reunion. This is the third branch for Lush Nails and it's only time for another branch after another two or three years. Haha. Third branch is now opened at AMK HUB Level 2. It's secluded behind, between Ah Mei (the roti prata makan place in the middle of Level 2) and the Yoghurt shop.

Lush Nails takes up 2 units, colour theme is as usual, Black & Red. It's very freaking wow-OMFG. There are 11 pedicure seats compared to Holland's, lesser by one or two seat(s). The platform in AMK HUB are black in colour, so chic okay.. Their pedicure stands and stools are also black okay.. Our platforms are woody colour and our stands and stools are beige! Koyak nak mampos already due to wear and tear. Too bad Thomson and some of Holland girls won't get a taste of working at our 3rd branch.. Hmm. Or else it'd be a great pleasure. I hope business would pick up asap over at AMK HUB's. :)

Below are some pictures I managed to snap before my phone battery died. Brace yourselves cause there are blurred ones. Nurul drained out my batt by video recording the lion dance which was simply a bore if recorded too long.

Queue up everybody!

When entering the shop, this is the right section. Lawa you know.

The counter area; center of the shop.

And then the left side.

Elle & Nurul HV. (Holland girls)

The buffet spread. Can't see that much..

The 4 months pregnant Sandy and muke-so-bacin Nurul TP.

No seats so we practically sat on the floor since the shops surrounding our shop haven't open yet. Haha I know, takde class. But who cares, no one was passing us by!

Sandy & Joanna.

Sneak preview of Kereen, our Lady Boss.

I don't know what the hell Sally (our manager) was reading to Kereen. Haha.

"Come come I help you take a picture with it!" - in Chinese.

Holland staffs..

Busy gossiping. Haha.

Random.

Joanna, Nurul, Me & Mun Mun. The camera person cut off Sandy's physique who was supposedly standing beside Joanna. Haha. And Mun Mun was originally from Holland, transferred to Thomson for a month while AMK HUB was being renovated. And now she'll be officially working at AMK HUB. Best eh?

"Ehhhh!!!!!!!!!! Wait2!!!! Haven't2!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arghh!!!!" -LOL.

Mostly new faces; Holland girls and our ever-so-sexy LadyBoss, Kereen.

The girls and me again. I look so bacin nak mampos. WTF.

Sally kiasu. Haha.

Lion Dance start already.

I don't know what Kereen's doing. She was using a stick dipped in some red liquid and poking it on the lion's body, face, head, butt. Almost EVERYWHERE! It was insane cause she kept giggling and giggling, it cracked all of us up man!

Very sayang this picture was blurred! Or else you could have seen Kereen's excited face!

Getting ready to remove the red cloth covering the shop's name to officially open the shop..

Inside, to open another cloth by the wall..

Finish already, clearing up..

Kereen and I dunno what they call that..

Alright so that's about it, Lush Nails at AMK HUB is now open! Do pass or drop by ya. It's really pretty, and I'm very proud of it.

he sleeps, she sings.

2009-06-18T22:50:00.002+08:00

Happy anniversary to you HaikaL.
3 years of ups and downs.
Damn I love you so much idiot.

-posted this while you were asleep beside me at 3 freaking am.

give me the strength.

2009-06-11T15:30:00.002+08:00

In and out...
In and out...

Hmmmm.... 7 more days.... :)

Lost and confused, help me find my way.

My three years.
My life.
My heart.
My air.
My personal sun.
My drug.
My soul.
My smiles.
My cries.
My angst.
My dreams.
My reality.
My food.
My laughters.
My time.
My world.
My senses.
My tasks.
My gift.
My shade.
My power.
My strength.
My failure.
My success.
My responsibility.
My priority.
My crave.
My distraction.
My attention.
My PMS.
My crazy-fun.
My stupidity.
My light.
My shine.
My dark.
My night.
My day.
My seasons.
My opportunity.
My chance.
My hope.
My miracle.
My love.
My story.
My endless chapters.
My Sheikh HaikaL.

Will you still love me tonight?
Will you still love me in the morning?

Ssshh. I just want to hear your heart.

meaning; FUCKING BULLSHIT. (:

2009-06-10T22:46:00.002+08:00

Hahah.

Hahahah.

"Crazy?! Celebrate what? The next day I'm schooling!"

"Hi friends.. please make yourselves free on July 7th night, meaning Tuesday night before Wednesday July 8th, I'm holding my bday bash at DOUBLE O. Please reply me if you're going.. Thanks. HaikaL."

Eveyone who reads this, please attend his party. You wouldn't wanna miss it. Loads of hot stuffs! From drinks to girls to boys to getting pissed drunk and getting laid. *winks*

Hahahahahahahah. In less than 24 hours, it's amazing that the former dialogue above are just alphabets made into a sentence. Ooops, I don't even understand. Ha, ha.

So lets see now.. I'm turning 21 come November and its the best age to celebrate... where should I hold mine then? Any ideas? Keep them coming ya.

give up.

2009-06-09T09:25:00.004+08:00

Why?
Why should I always be the one so eager to flaunt you to the rest of the world?
Why should I always be the one bowing down to your needs and demands?
Why should I always be the one incapable of screaming my lungs out infront of you?
Why should I always be the one telling the whole world you're mine?
And why should I always be the one who's so proud to have you?
Why??

When all I get in return is nothing but harsh languages, demands, nonchalance and immature you?

Like you care, HaikaL?

Claimed you loved, but to what extent?

Is forcing me means love to you?
Is scolding me for taking so long in the toilet means love to you?
Is constantly saying I'm stupid whenever I don't do things your way means love to you?
Is cursing me whenever I keep quiet and just don't feel like talking means love to you?

When I get carried away day-dreaming, you zap me back to reality by scolding me.
When I comment something about you, you think I'm making you ugly. But when your friends comment the same thing, wow. You miraculously believed instead.
When I randomly say I miss you or I love you at an awkward time of the day, you usually shut off.
When I ask you stuffs, you get so irritated like its so wrong for me to ask you anything.
But when I kept quiet, afraid I might ask too much, you scold me instead.
When I say I'm fine, you take it as it is.
When you betrayed me, what did you do to make amends?
You didn't even help me resurface.
You wished so hard it'd pass.
Let me tell you this HaikaL. 3 solid years of trust will take double the time to rebuild.

What do I lack?
Why do you hate me so much?
Why oh why you are so fond of scolding me?
Like I'm your sister?

And god. How did I tolerate all of that? Where did I find all that patience and strength? Tell me cause I'm seriously losing myself here.

They say; what you can't forgive, you must forget. And what you can't forget, you must forgive. So help me, I don't know how to apply it in my life. My kind can NEVER forgive nor forget once the trust is betrayed. Unless miraculously.

What am I going to do now? Should I officially end our relationship come 18th of June, to mark our 3 years of love? I don't know if I can continue another 3 more years if you're not gonna change. I know things will happen again HaikaL. *some text missing - deleted by HaikaL himself* (Touch my entries, I'll break your fingers. Simple.)

Boys like you will forever be little dickheads. But men are smart asses. Use your brains and think, if you've even got any in the first place.

And I'll be me for now. I won't be like how I used to. I won't be as eager and happy to flaunt you to the whole world. I'm letting you free. Free to do what you want. You want an understanding girlfriend? Fine, I can be one.

I hope you're happy now HaikaL. You can't turn back time.

brace.

2009-06-08T21:50:00.000+08:00

What am I doing?

behind.

2009-06-02T18:15:00.001+08:00

Its June already. Can you believe it?

Time please slow down, will you?

leakage.

2009-05-27T12:23:00.003+08:00

I'm an idiot. Stupid. Stupid.

Ugh!

Anyway, stop that, I know who comes in here, where they come from, when they come in, what time and how long they lingered. So just stop it. If I really get on your nerves or have wasted your time then just stop reading la? Nobody ask you to read kan? And even if you tried to cover your trails after the first time I've caught you, bottom line is I know who you are sweetie. And even if it's a case of mistaken identity, don't worry. The only possible candidates are countable. Sources are reliable, easy and fast. Really, I don't want to spoil the relationship (or do we even have a relationship in the first place?), so yeah. Either back off or just stop reading altogether.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

This is so so frustrating. One after another.

Ugh! Tired! Tired! I'm so so sick and tired!!

leaving on a jet plane.

2009-05-21T23:59:00.002+08:00

So kiss me and smile for me.

Tell me that you'll wait for me.

Hold me like you'll never let me go.

Every place I go, I think of you.

Every song I sing, I'll sing for you.

When I come back,

I'll wear your wedding ring.

reminisce.

2009-05-20T19:55:00.002+08:00

Official New Moon poster up! Oh god oh god. That means 11 days after my 21st!!! Oh FYI, see that light on the top right hand corner? It's an Eclipse; the next movie sequel which is in the process and has been said to be out shortly after its prequel. It will be released theatrically in North America on June 30th, 2010, which makes all crews and cast a good 6 months after the release of New Moon this November. Gosh, super hectic aye? One after another~ What with all the fandom running wild after taking a break from cool vampires and settling down to rustic werewolves, I bet the actors are indefintely going crazy themselves.

Howell, still not over this obssession yet! I can't believe over the other side of the world, everyone's still going gaga over it while here in Singapore, everything just died off in a split second. So zzzngg and quiet. Cricket~

A good hello to Fizah over at wherever she is now working alongside with Emirates. I miss our 5 teen years. To you too Laney. Boohoo. And one of these days I'm definitely gonna put up our Secondary School days. I was playing with Manje on the floor when my eye caught this particular book. Can you believe I still have that 'Pot Luck' night in Sec One where everyone is just so zomfgly kental to the core with super thick and unplucked eyebrows, super bad taste in fashion, extremely weird poses, God what were we thinking!? And remember Laney you even changed from pants to skirt the moment you reached the school area? Gosh. And our school skirts. OMFG. Our socks even. The hairstyle, man, what was I thinking!!? Jap-style hairdo?! More like mangkok curly whirly!! Then the stupid fringes OMG, I'm so embarrassed. Somebody should have shot me already. Why did I even bother to look that... that... horrifying?! God.

The whole time I browsed through the pages I was laughing to myself. I said alot of omgs, wtfs, haahs, gods, more omfgs and wtfs, while shrieking quietly, and laughing so hard I felt like a total dumbfuck.

Seriously, they're going up one of these days. You guys have got to see them. They're super hilarious. Hey, everyone has their kental nak mampos days right! LOL.

Goodnight now little sayangs.

two babys.

2009-05-20T16:19:00.003+08:00

In my almost 21 years of life I've only sat on a bike for only less than 5 times. First was my father's green scooter when I was in Primary Two. I still remember my father would put my Mickey Mouse (not Minnie) red and yellow bag on the space infront of him and sent me to school at 6.45am. And if I can still remember, that point of time my brother was already Primary Four so prolly he got to go school all by himself, perhaps? I don't know.

The second time was on my brother's KR (was it? Aiyah I dunno la all these bikes' names) going to my cousin's house nearby for some occassion. And another was to Sembawang Park for some small family gathering. And all the while I tompang him, I grabbed hold of his shirt at his waist. I am scared of taking bikes, honestly. In all my years, I've been seeing pictures, hearing news and reading papers of fatal accidents and stuffs. And over the years I began to develop this ridiculous and outrageous sense of fear riding on bikes.

I don't like the feel of wind brushing against 35% of my skin. I don't like the heat from the sun. I don't like the noise coming from everywhere around me. And I certainly don't like the bumpy and painful ride on the bike. I feel uncomfortable, weird and scared. And the last time I sat on a bike was like years ago, when my brother had his first ever bike. That was the last ever and I thought it'd stay as it is.

But boy was I wrong.

My car gave me yet another problem, misfiring of the cables of I dunno-what. And yesterday I had made an appointment to collect my (new biometric!) passport and on Monday, I had initially planned to take public. Since Nurul had lent me her ezlink, it wouldn't hurt to take public to Lavender. I told the boyfriend of my plans telling him I'd take public since my car is sick. He told me not to be ridiculous and take his bike instead. But of course me being all so scared and fearful of bikes, we had a small little argument. I told him no and he told me don't care. So there. It ended like that the night before yesterday. So I thought I had prolly won the case by taking public. And I don't give a shit if he didn't want to accompany me, right? But no, I did give a shit. I mean like whats so wrong in taking public once in a while? Its been so long already!! Apart from being a scaredy-cat, I missed sitting beside him, holding his hands and lying on his shoulder. But no, he didn't understand that. He assumed otherwise and asked me instead, "Why would I wanna take public when I have a freaking bike!?"

Good question.

So I told him fine, I'd go myself. Anyway I'd just collect my passport and go home. So yesterday, I got myself ready and told him I'm going alone. But this idiot was still adamant to force me on his bike. Below is our few smses.

-From me to him: I wake up already. Now toss and turn. Want to clean up and do the laundry then i mandi, siap and go out already. I take train. Nurul lend me her ez link.

-From him to me: iam up! B please la, take my bike la for goodness sake, I promise I'll bring very slowly.

-From me to him: No. Truthfully i dunno how to sit on a bike, I'm heavy, i dunno how to hold the rider, how to follow the flow when turning, how to put my feet, how to sit calmly and I'm very very scared so dont force me. I'm not like other girls. I dont fancy bikes and i have a phobia. I get overly paranoid when i sit on bikes and i dont want to embarrass myself. I will get super scared the whole time, trust me. Its not about being slow, fast or careful. I'm just scared.

-From him to me: Ok I'll show you step by step it's easy, and btw your not heavy, I pillion much more heavier guys, so yeah, we will take it a step at a time ok..

-From me to him: No I'm going public. Sorry.

-From me to him: Jgn senyap2 aleh2 timbol je eh you. I'm wearing tight skirt cant take bike get that in your head.

-From him to me: Nope, I'll be at your place, wear something else..

-From me to him: Stop being a jerk. I'm not changing, its burning outside i dont want to become black, i dont want to perspire and i dont want to take your bike.

After about half and hour there was still no reply. And then suddenly while I was about to sms him telling that I'm going out already he replied this.

"OTW"

What am I supposed to say or do?

So yesterday I took his bike for the first time. We went to ICA Building, collect my passport, then to Tong Seng at Bugis to eat chicken rice then we caught HORSEMEN at Iluma's independent cinema; FilmGarde and then we headed to Nenek's house at Tropica and HaikaL did some computing. Ate Kak Mini's cooking, watched a bit of Fighting Spiders (it was hilarious) and then Nenek returned from Centre (or dunno-what I couldn't remember) and she was so elated to see me. She hugged me, kissed me and touched my hands and cheeks and shoulders and back and hair. God, she missed me so much, I learnt. I have no idea why.. Yes, sometimes when I'm at work she'd call to say hello, I'd sms to ask how is she and sometimes she'd just call to chat with me randomly. It was very pleasant. She says she feels great and thankful and she treats me like her own because I will always remember to drop an sms even during the busiest time. She's such a beautiful person. I miss mine so much. It's been so long I met my grams.

So anyway, HaikaL and I then went to Courts to get Nenek a good webcam and speaker headphones for her to use over her learning program with an Ustaz in Malaysia, returned and installed them and it was already 10pm. She offered to drive me home because she was worried my parents would be worried. A grandmother is a grandmother after all. =) Always worrying for the safety of her grandchildren. But looking at her like that, quite tired and all, I hadn't had the heart for her to send me home you see. I don't want to trouble her and moreover HaikaL can send me home. Maybe she's worried of HaikaL getting too tired to send me perhaps. I don't know. So after a few assurances that I'd be okay with riding at night, she finally gave in. She's so soft. So sweet. So nice and grandmotherly. Sighs..

So anyway, back to the story on HaikaL's bike. Yeap, I got so fidgety, paranoid, scared, and all you can think of. I kept banging my helmet against the back of his, I grabbed hold of his shirt at his sides most of the time and when I started to try to hug him, my arms ended up aching because I didn't really hug him you see, I held my weight against his tank to support myself. I was afraid I would be too heavy against his back and I was afraid I would choke him to death. Because I was afraid I would fall.

I was afraid I would fall. LOL. Can you believe how SWAKOO and JAKUN and SELENGE and KENTAL nak mampos I am? It was really funny to think back. Even while riding he shouted against the noise, "Eh b can you hold me properly don't be like a jakun can anot!" Kurang ajar man. Told him earlier already~ But truthfully... hehe.. it was fun la actually. The sense of being able to be that close to him while he focusses on something else and fighting for dear life everytime he corners, gives me the delight of riding for the first time in my life. Ok so now I'm not as scared but still a wee bit scared. I've yet to learn how to actually hold him. How to sit still and stop banging his helmet with mine. Haha. Yes. Stop banging his helmet. It was damn irritating I know. I couldn't help it! I laughed quietly to myself everytime my head banged against his. My guess is more than 10 times. It was so funny!! Lol. And sometimes. Sometimes he'd get irritated I think, he'd turn sideways abit and when he does that, I would get excited to see if he wanted to say something but I ended up banging again into him and then I couldn't see his expression! Don't know if he was looking at his blind spots or just really irritated. Haha. But of all, there was this one time at a traffic light, when he turned to look at me and coincidentally I was tilting my head to his right and I looked at him instantly. And our eyes met and then we smiled and I really wanted to kiss him but I stopped because I almost banged into his head again. Yah, I've forgotten that I actually had a helmet on. LOL. The crazy things love can do to you. But really, that precise moment was very nice. :)

But he became deaf when I became a pillion. Because of all the deafening noises coming from his noisy TZM and around us. I had to shout and scream but he still couldn't hear. Because many a times I had forgotten to push the visor up while shouting. Bodoh eh? LOL. I'm such an idiot. *shakes head and laughing* Other than that, most of the time, he would only reply a word I don't understand at all after my third or forth try at communticating. So I gave up, shut up and back to torturous weight supporting against the aching arms. Haha.

Oh yeah baby, and you know, I still remember you said this before you even took your license. "You'd be the first to sit my bike, I promise you that." *rolls eyes*

Right. After many2 friends, first GIRL to sit you mean. Or first GIRLFRIEND to sit you mean..... Okay stop it Azian. Don't start thinking and getting paranoid now. Ok ok stop now. Now. Stop. Stop it. Just stop! No stop. Stop stop.

roll on the floor.

2009-05-18T22:06:00.003+08:00

To all who've showed their concern, to those who put themselves in my position throughout the whole entry, to the ones who felt as strongly a heartbreak of what I am going through and the others who chose to remain silent yet feel even more than anyone else, thank you. Really, I appreciate all concerns and advices.

We are all girls, with a weakness every single one of us hates. Making a decision is not easy. Being strong requires more than your whole self. Making sure you don't turn back is even more difficult. What's more, the only one person you gave your all to for the past few years now is throwing you aside like nothing ever happened. Like nothing meant anything. Yeap. Thats it. It meant nothing at all. Sad, a non-living thing could painfully rip open the circle that has been revolving with them for years. A non-living thing could change a full heart's desire and attention to the most despicable attraction of the revolving circle. It took one damn non-living thing to lure him away from his heart's desire. Just one UNIMPORTANT thing.

Now? It's the top priority. Now? It's the only important thing to support. The most vital object to keep him going. Tell me, were there any of this shitass infidelity and betrayal before the subject of your current affection appeared?

Tell me, cause I need to know.

Having you fall asleep in my arms was the most indescribable moment I wouldn't trade anything else for. Watching you sleep on my chest, snoring lightly, attuned to normal heartbeats and breathing, you seemed so damn vulnerable. Its almost hard to believe you were capable of hurting. You were so tired, you fell asleep right away in my arms. It was my most significant night ever. I watched you slipped into unconciousness, and I couldn't help tearing up. Why baby why, did you even have the heart? You looked like an innocent boy last night. Who stole my heart few years back. Who gave me every promise and word. Yet behind that vulnerability, that boy was capable of doing things I had never expected to feel. Behind that facade was something else entirely awaiting to resurface at the right moment. And with just one thing, everything we built came crashing down. No wait, its EVERYTHING I built, came crashing on me. Just one damn thing. Just one.

One niubgqoeinvpacsjpeffqjpvpqofjq bike, to make it all happen.

Let me summarize from my point of view. You see, if you wouldn't have bought the bike, you wouldn't have sold your lappie. You would still lead a normal life with me, just like any other day. You wouldn't sign up in forums of bike websites. Wouldn't even need the need to inform the whole world your freaking hp number like some desperate little rat. And then that despicable and loathed animal wouldn't have *ping!* appear somewhere in that same forum and started her first few tries of trying to contact you. And then when we were having our normal monthly quarrells, she came at the right timing to call you. You wouldn't have even bother to answer her calls again after the first time you told her she got the wrong number. But nope, you didn't you went ahead with your thrill. You DID NOT think about what we had gone through, you DID NOT even care about how I felt. You were adamant to continue on the sly. I don't know what you were thinking when at the same time back then you called saying, "Happy anniversary. Love you.." *hangs up* And then you continued talking to a totally different girl. Seriously man. I don't know what you were thinking. Did you even have brains then? And the times when you were so damn broke, you turned to me, but I was so madly broke too, I told you to help yourself find a way, you had the heart to talk to her instead of talking it out with me. God.? How did you even live with that? I mean seriously babe, you could have straight away hit the jackpot you know, since you had initially planned to break my heart.

And up till today, there's not even a single remorse I feel oozing desperately out of you. You still get happy and giggly whenever I talk about her. How does that makes me feel man? I don't even know if I am still the pathetic puppet of your hilarious show. Never know, if you had actually managed it for a month close to two, there might be a possibility I am still one you see. Or maybe even worst? God. I don't even know, right?

And everyone who feels the same for me, obviously know what I really hope and wish for that loathesome little swine. YOU know what I would want to hear at the end of the day. No, dying is too easy a retribution for someone so repulsive. Well since that (obviously faked) accident of hers recently, I only hope for the 'best', don't you all agree with me? Since she wants overwhelming attention, I really really really hope for the best of all the best in the world for her.

Modern Montessori pre-school teacher around Far East area? More like MMI's most despicably cheapest and fuckable low life suckalongcock trainee to me. Ergh. No wonder HaikaL's so keen to keep her. Of higher qualification, of way better physique and of way sexier knowledge to lure unfortunates. Hmmm.

Actually I wonder if she's just a total fake. Maybe she's fucking obese and midget-like? With uneven skin tone, balding hairline, eyebrows on the forehead? Or with onion-like nose and goldfish lips with protuding jaw? Square-faced, far apart eyes and jumbo ears? Doesn't have a neck; chin and neck conjoined together. Oh oh, maybe with retarded eyeballs? Super cock-eyed. *giggles* Or maybe with sagging cheeks and droopy eyes, extreme facial hair, has three moles? One on the centre of the fucking eyebrows on the forehead, another right underneath the nose, and the last one along the jawline? Hair might be frizzy and cut pixie-like? With retarded bleaching, parted in the centre with 'rambut gatal' sticking out everywhere? Breast too big for midget body? Legs too thin to carry weight? Wears black fishnets with closed crocs? Or maybe fingers are so fucking filthy with god knows what? And when she speaks, the words come out so retarded everyone who hears will bark into her pathetic face? Because they can't stand it la. Or maybe she stinks so bad because she has red-alert B.O? Her white shirts are yellow-stained at the armpits and when she smiles, there are spider's legs jutting out her nostrils? She has pimples that are so disgusting and super smelly, all yellowish and red, and sometimes when she gets tooo excited they just pop? Ugh gross. Her skin's flaky, always shattering some pieces everywhere she walks? Her hair's so damn dandruff-infested its almost too easy to notice? She bites her nails right after going through her disarrays? Euw. Or maybe she has a secret so disgusting? That she eats live frogs and steamed sea cucumber? And who knows, she drinks taugeh's juice with bacardi for booze? And when she's horny she snags a child sneakers to act as a dildo? Or when she's barking, she snorts and never fail to show some gooey green stuffs? Her ears are so thick with ear-wax because she's accidentally used her korek telinge to korek her pet mouse's ears? Or maybe when she sleeps, she snores so loudly her neighbours are all not on the same level as hers? Or when she's online, she'll connect herself to Galaxynet mIRC #melayu? Regular somemore. With nickname BabyMMI k don't play2. Then when she checks her stuffs on Mailfriends.community and Netlog, she's disappointed cause her profile tak laku. Her home at Tampines Blk 900+ is so old fashioned and roach infested, she has to be the maid everyday but to no avail. Her mattress(not bed) has never been changed and is bed-bugged and she's been bed-wetting eversince young till now at the age of 22. She eats like a carnivore, a barbarian set on loose. She uses paper plates to serve soups. Ya dumb la thats why. She buys a small gayung cause all her cups are mould infested. Her stove is infinity times greasy like hell and she recycles her ration for a week. Her toilet, god. She steps in like usual but her friends screamed and fainted even before they stepped in. Her clothes are all re-wearable after 3 days without washing so she saves on electricity. And lastly about her, she's sucha sad bitch she cries to Barney's I love you song everynight after she talks to HaikaL.

I had a good laugh while typing the above paragraph. Good God, HaikaL baby you fell for someone like her? You never know baby, she might be lying to you all the while.. Maybe thats not even her picture. Maybe she uses someone's identity to fake herself. She's someone else over the net, who knows. Her voice? Rough and sexy sounds slim and pretty to you? No babe. Can be fat and pimply. How long have you been in the cyber world to not know that all of these can actually be FUCKING FAKE?

Good for you sweetie cakes.

last of what i have.

2009-05-16T21:32:00.002+08:00

I slept for an hour at work and woke up feeling very depressed. Every single thing that had happened for the past few days came barging in my mind, giving me no chance to put up the barrier. And so I ended up crying yet again at work. It was really depressing. I couldn't stop the tears and my head hurt so much. My heart squished with every tear that rolled down my cheeks. I gasped for air sometimes, too much to handle. I let them flow again and shut my eyes..

And all I could see was three main idividuals with the rest dimmed in the background. HaikaL, myself and that shameless being. I could see her laughing with the love of my life, falling her head back with every laughter, HaikaL smiling and laughing along like they were sharing the most funniest joke.. And I could see myself, torn and broken apart, standing lifelessly and watching the sick scenario. I held my stomach, another hand covering my mouth with all those sick and painful tears rolling against my cheeks.. The waves of pain reared high up, pulling me under. All I could do was gasp for whatever air there was left surrounding me.

I forced myself to open my eyes to the bright light of Lush Nails. It was blurry and my face was practically wet. I washed up and place my arms against the sink, letting the last anguish flow out before I faced my colleagues.

I wished I could feel numb, but the memories left behind were too strong, making me think about things that could cause me great pain. I didn't want to remember what I've been through the past few nights. And even as I shuddered away from the images of me, breaking all over on my bed, crying endlessly, grabbing my bolster and screaming into it, I could feel my eyes filled with tears and the aching began around the edges of the hole in my chest. I wrapped my torso with one hand, keeping it in one piece. Luckily I was parked in a more secluded lot so there wasn't anyone who was secretly watching. And as I drove, I let the tears flow again, stopping at red lights, not turning either sides, afraid to be noticed. I moved into the extreme left lane, stepped on the brakes along Upper Thomson Road and pressed my face against the steering wheel. I shouldn't drive while being so incapacitated. The cd player was playing Gallery by Mario Vasquez, one of HaikaL's favourites. It brought back those happy times.. I curled over and tried to breathe with no lungs. It was mad. I wondered how long this could last... Maybe someday, it will.. But what if this raw edges never healed, what if the damage was permanent and irreversible? I held myself tightly together again and continued crying. It was excrutiating. My insides had just died to the point where I had totally lost myself to the tears.

It took me 15 minutes to pull myself together. 15 freaking minutes, I'm not joking.

I might sound like a pathetic and dramatic girl I know.. No one can ever feel what I am feeling now.. And here I am, thinking if I had done the right thing. I don't know how to live without HaikaL, I don't know how to move on. I don't even know if I'll ever see the world in a new point of view, I don't even know how to pull through the dreading nights.. 3 years is all I could give.. All I could have.. I don't even know if I could ever let go of the 3 years of ups and downs.. The 3 years full of happy happy memories where we'd just crack up about anything, laughed and joked, teased and played with each other.. That particular one time when he cried so hard.. God.. It's unbelieveable we made it through till now.. It's impossible to let go.. Impossible.. Because I don't want to ever let 3 years go without ever trying to pull it back towards me.. Its the only last chance I could afford, to save this love of mine, my love story.

My fairytale. Our fairytale might have just started with the end chapter to some of you. OR, my love story has just ended with the beginning of a new chapter. I might have turned into a ridiculously strong and patient individual walking on the wrong route but at the same time, I might have turned into a fragile and brittle girl, taking every step with conscience and determination. I can only pray for the best. I can only pray this is the right decision. And I can only pray I wouldn't be slummed into yet another no-words-can-descibe phase. I am capable of holding myself together now that I am willing to give it the last chance. I just need the support, not the damnation. The strength and not be shunned by stupidity. God. I don't even know if this is right. I don't even know if it's worth the try.

Ya Allah, give me the strength to forgive and forget. Thats all I'm asking for myself. And give HaikaL the eyes to see what I'm going through, the heart to feel my sorrows. And give us all the love that you could ever provide us, to work this out until the Big Day comes. I can never love anyone else. Please Ya Allah, all I'm asking is for the trust to redevelop between us again.

But then again Ya Allah, if you think this can't work out, please give me a sign soon, I'm not capable of moving forward with high hopes knowing it'll eventually end. Please.... please.. Afterall, manusia yang merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan.. Find me someone better soon if you know it's not working between us.. Make me move on, make me forget about everything.. The last thing I ever want is to think of HaikaL if I'm with someone new.. And ultimately, when that finally happens, the most prominent thing I want is all the strength that you could provide me with.. Please.. Please.... Amin amin ya rabbal al'amin..

Above is why, I am the daughter of my parents, its what I would obviously do without help. It is why I am different from the rest of you, special in my own ways. He created us differently, and because of Him is why I ended up with this decision. All is written in my book of fate, all is written even before I was born. Did I ever know all of these would happen? No. I don't. Did I ever know I could actually feel the word depressed? No I don't. And did I ever know I would make this decision? Nope, I definitely don't know. I'm just praying hard, that the course I've taken is what He has written to be part of his 'dugaan'. And I'm still praying hard that I am given all the strength I ever needed to go through this phase.

Goodnight now to everyone who's reading. Love your significant other like there's no tomorrow because at one point of time I actually thought there was no tomorrow.

again.

2009-05-16T07:40:00.005+08:00

I fall again.

And again.

You know I'm only a girl. And I might be the most stupidest on Earth. But I'm still pushing myself through the walls of anguish, giving it another go. I'm sorry..its all that I could do. I hate myself for being adamant to still stay, hate myself for not being strong, hate myself for being susceptible to weaknesses.

I could have, would have left, if not for the ridiculous fact that I still believe in working this out. I should have, really.

But I just can't bring myself to do so. I just can't pull my strength together to see you walk out of that same damn door you came in 3 fucking years back. Perhaps, if I had seen someone else while you lied profusely at me, I might be able to walk away. Of course I would turn, to see if YOU would. I would mouthed ily if you could see. And I am very sure of the next thing that will happen. You would spread your arms gesturing me to come home, and I would be running like mad into your embrace again. Do you see it now? It's almost impossible to do leave. Not that its highly possible but the fact that I don't want to see anyone else except you for now refrained me from changing courses.

Its been almost a week now, and I haven't stopped crying. I still miss you eventhough we just met last night. Not to mention Fireball Muay Thai was super awesome and super violent. I felt like crying the whole time. I felt like slapping you all over and cry and cry and asking why did you hurt me so bad. I felt like staring at you while crying and if only you could see from the depths of my tears how much I loved you. That you were capable of doing such things, even had the heart to do such things. When all I did was gave you all of my all, my everything, anything that I could provide. 3 fucking years. 3 fucking years. It wasn't even enough for you to see how much I needed you, how much TLC I could give and how much trust. How much trust I had built. You violently shattered my whole world apart, breaking that very dominant wall of trust I had tried using all of my strength, all of my soul, to built all these years.

Its like I've been married into your world, bringing whatever that I have left crawling out from my previous relationship and building a love so strong with you. But in the end, to know that YOU had to break everything just like *snaps fingers* that overnight. And nothing, nothing can ever make amends for that. You purposely dropped this fragile little heart, stepped on it for almost two months and didn't feel remorse over your actions. It was impossible to learn the truth but God is great. I don't even know if he wants to see us going our separate ways or its just one of his 'cubaan's on our love to see if we could make it through together still. I bet no girl in this world would ever do such a thing. Or maybe there are, I don't know..

Every one of us are unique and special in our own ways. Alot of girls like boys with a complete clothing for their bikes, alot of girl love riding. Alot of girls can talk about bikes and alot of girls can allow their boys to join bike groups and teams and designs and cuttings and whatever else I don't even care. Really.

I'm Azian. And I'm me. I never liked bikes. I never liked boys who ride. Ok maybe I go abit gaga over those Mat Scramblers but on the wholesome, I don't like these bunch of boys. They're abit to wild for me. Scary. But I don't mind my Asyraf or the others who're not FANATIC or obsessed with their transportation. I never liked riding, may it be a pillion nor one day become a rider to my own bike. Ergh no, I don't even see myself on a bike. I can't. I don't like to talk about bikes because I know NUTS about them. Not that I know anything about cars, I know nuts about cars too but bikes, they're not in my favour. And honestly I find some of these shitass bike teams or groups or cuttings or designs are pathetic. NO OFFENCE TO ANYONE OUT THERE, from the bottom of my heart. I know alot of you girls like the opposite of what I like. But like I said that makes us all different. You can drag me into conversations about all of these, I would just stare blankly at space, 'ahhs' and 'umms' and 'oh reallys' at the right places and wouldn't even bother to give a rats ass about what is happening. It makes me unique and special in that way because I like cars better than bikes, I can talk about cars for not more than an hour for a start. It makes this babygirl of yours different from the rest of the world. And obviously a hell lot of difference compared with Pathetic Ducatti Mas-k Rider.

I do have friends in some that I can remember like The Outsider, Revenge, Kestrel, Qirana, my brother is in I dunno what, my very own stupid boyfriend is 'the clown' one and some of these people I know are indeed very nice people. The girls are superb, they're very friendly. They're not stuckup losers. And trust me, I do know people who just wants 'fame' when they don't even have a freaking license to begin with. The most hated like anyone else, is of course the 'P' clan. The one with the skull face. Was it? I don't know. Like I said, it's surprising sometimes even the headman is a freaking poseur. Banyak bebual la babe.

And baby.. She might own a Ducatti for all I care, might be in love with riding for all I care, might be interested in other bike boys (you're just another one of them) for all I care, might be able to talk freely and casually about bikes for all I care, might entertain you with sessions I am not capable of doing lately, might drown you with sexy morning voices and might shower you with bubble gums and candies and pouring ants all over you for all I care. She might have the perfect girl-next-door face you ever wanted, might owned the kind of physique you had always wished for, might have the most supportive parents for all I care, might meet your standards and coincidentally be of Chinese blood, might earn more than you could think of. She might be there when you were down, she might be able to talk your sorrows away, might be able to make you feel high and excited, might say stuffs you wanted to hear, might linger in your line of sight whenever anything goes wrong. She might be able to say that she cared, that she wanted and that she had started to love. She might be able to promise 1001 things. Might be able to listen to every single word, and might be able to accept whatever you are. She might also tell you every single truth all the time. AND SHE CAN ALSO, POSSIBLY LIE STRAIGHT TO YOUR PATHETIC FACE ABOUT EVERYTHING, WOULDN'T SHE?

And then after a few months or even years, you found out she's been cheating on you. And when you confront her, she'd happily say, "Oh. Every single thing from the start was just a funny and hilarious joke to me. You don't mean anything to me AT ALL. I will never fall for someone like you. You're just another random boy toy baby."

Hah! Take that now. And we'll see what you'll end up in. You'll cover your ears and run away from her, crying and screaming like a boy whose ice-cream just dropped to the floor and don't know what to do because you've been so deluded in her spectacular charade all the while that I bet you'd rather drown yourself in tomato sauce and mayonnaise(well since you really hate them) for being the most stupidest and pathetic human being than to live another day with her. I'd really love to see that one day when I'm happily married with someone else. And then I'd come to you when you're dead, kiss your forehead, stroke your poor freckled face and tell you, "No one could do better than I could."

You want that babe? Sounds like fun to me. :) You know, we could always try...? *laughs*

We need to sit down and talk about alot of things. Please do bother about how I feel lately and not just shut off and pretend nothing happened. Yeah yeah, busy I know. When you're not then.

Every night I'm slipping, every night I'm disappearing. And every night I'm grabbing, to whatever that is left. And I'm now afraid it'd eventually take its final leave when enough is enough. Its the last chance I could afford. Treasure me while you still can. Next time this happens again, I'll say nothing at all, I'll just kiss you on your forehead, hold your hand, look at you, smile, stroke your cheeks and touch your lips for the very last time, and just pack and leave. That is when you will have no more chances. So be scared now and start making amends. I'll always wait.

the end of us.

2009-05-13T10:15:00.001+08:00

This is a super looooooooooooooooong entry. Read at your own risk. Many will cry at the end of this entry.

Do you remember how it feels like to fall in love?

Well I do too just like all of you out there.

The feeling was indescribable, powerful. Like you're on top of the world.. He's everything you ever wanted... When the first time you met? You shied away from each other, talking not more than necessary.... You felt nervous the whole time, the whole day. Or maybe even the whole week... The first time he brushed his skin against yours, you felt like 'zzznngg' and your insides squished together, falling apart everywhere in happy places... You remember that moment very precisely.. Because it was the day when the love started to blossom... You even remembered what he wore... From head to toe.. Cap, contacts, very light pink baggy tshirt, baggy pants, red Nike high cut sneakers... His face.. It was always, always flushed. Like he's so nervous all the time.. So fidgety, couldn't sit still..

I can't remember when I met HaikaL prolly a week or so before we exchanged our hearts. Those were the days during the time the online radio was hot, random people being cracked up DJ wannabes, groups and clans forming up and even having their own FM online.. It was hilarious to think back. I was part of that world. With the nickname AzianBaybe or something. *giggles* And I clearly remembered I had just ended my relationship with Nemo. It was a month after countless of sleepless nights, I awoke from depression, pulled myself together and stepped into reality. Of course it wasn't easy moving on, what with 2 years of time spent with Nemo was part of my memory. Still fresh and haunting. It was the longest ever relationship that I had then.

I had just received my results for my O's and was pretty much upset. Honestly I had wasted my sixth and seventh teen years involving in alot of rebellious influences. I was kind of a rebel when I started dating Nemo. I ran away from home like so many times, maybe 6 to 7 times. Shortest time span was 3 days and longest was a month. There was one Hari Raya Haji I was on the run. I cried when a friend's mom sent food over to the house I accommodate in. That was the last time I ran away. I was very troubled, I hated my parents and I blamed them for what I had become. I've spent a day and a half without eating. It was madness. It was really embarrassing. All I was thinking was to be with Nemo. It was really really absurd to think of it now. So naive and God, what an idiot I had been.

So perhaps I had come to light, slowly realising what I had done. Crawling pass my past. Things got a lil bit stale at first, then when I get to know HaikaL, feelings for Nemo started to fade more. I can't remember how or why we didn't meet up to resolve our problems and save our relationship. But what I do remember was that during our 2 years, we broke up about 2 times? Yeah. And the first, Nemo actually had a new girlfriend in an instant. I was devastated, I cried and cried. Soon after it was Hari Raya again and we just happened to contact each other. Nemo wanted to tag along or I asked him, I don't know. We met up and went out Hari Raya-ing with my friends. Then when night finally came, Nemo confessed he still wanted me back. That he'd leave his then current girlfriend. And he actually did just that. I called the girl and told her everything and *snaps fingers* we were together again. Spontaneous eh?

So we went on a bumpy roller coaster ride for the last time and one day, all of his secrets came to light. I found out he went clubbing and stuffs. It was really crazy at that point of time. We had been quarrelling every single damned day before we both finally just let whatever that was happening to our relationship happened. And then it bacame stale. We wont call each other for a day and did our own stuffs. The relationship loosen and eventually broke.

You can say now that I actually rebounded on HaikaL. Later did I know that sometimes rebound does wonders to your life. And it did wonderful things to me.

One day I was randomly checking stuffs online and I had a new message from someone. I cant remember what it was but we ended up in msn for all I know. We chatted and got hooked. Then we talked on the phone and Haikal was a cute and adorable boy I found out. I started looking at his pictures in friendster and boy, honestly I wasn't at all interested. I had no interest in guys because I just happened to fell out of love.

But HaikaL was determine just like how he is now.. 18 of June, 2006 was the day I was his. 3 years.. 3 fucking years of ups and downs.. From the moment I started ite until I graduated. From the moment you got enlisted for NS until you ORD. From the moment we took public until both had transportation. From the moment I had no Manje until now he's so fat and healthy. From the moment HaikaL, I didn't trust you until I finally trusted you..

There will be a few conversations I'll put in here so bear with me. You see, initially HaikaL lied about not knowing this particular girl at all and that he told me Farhan was the one who knew this girl. We'll all see where it leads to later. Honestly I was being lied to the face. I was really stupid. I even became a dear. Gosh. Below is a conversation between this Masturah Yee person and me. IRONY my foot. Fucking liar, this bitch.

[Conversation started on 11/05/09 23:48:22]

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : hi!

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : ohh cute pic.

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : :)

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : hi

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : who are you

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : i am azian.

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : and you are?

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : haikal's gf.

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : do u know him?

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : which haikal?

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : errr..

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : thatguyhaikal?

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : hello?

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : hmm

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : not personally

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : u mean?

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : I only know his friend Farhan..

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : and i don't know Haikal personally..

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : oh.

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : and the reason for you adding me?

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : nah just wondering how come suddenly haikal added u.

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : wait. did he add u?

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : well, he's not in my msn

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : hmm. but u're in his. and i wonder.

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : well i wonder that too

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : hhahaha

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : hmmm

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : so u really dont know haikal?

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : like i said ..not personally (oh really?)

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : and why u ended up in his list, is really weird. (Yeah man.)

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : hmm.

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : and u claimed to know farhan, but i dont understand.

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : hmmm (things start to get weird...)

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : is very hard to explain..

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : coz i dont even know anything at all (Start to bullshit...)

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : why don't you ask him yourself since he is your bf..

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : iam asking him now indeed but he said he dont know u

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : how am i supposed to answer your questions when i don't even know what are you talking about (alahai touching.)

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : i only know him through Farhan..like hearing names... (indeed..)

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : but i have not seen him before

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : if thats the haikal you are referring at

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : omg..i have so many Haikals

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : right. i wonder why farhan wants haikal to add u in haikal's msn list (exactly. strange?)

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : farhan doesnt have msn?

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : now tell me the irony..Coz i dont know

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : do u happen to know ria? (is Farhan's ex)

*mssoc Mas, Therefore I Am. : nope (jeng~~)

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : hmmm... (paranoid. doubts.)

т h α т ▪ g h u r l ▪ α z i α n ™ : okay.. (conclusion; whatever..)

[You have closed the window on 12 May 2009 00:08:35]

You see, if its really true that Farhan wanted to get to know her, or is a friend of his, obviously she would know who Ria is, right? But nope, she doesn't know at all. Things seemed to get strange.. And a day passed, I was still in doubts. So I went to seek for the truth by staying in HaikaL's msn. Below is a conversation between 'Haikal' and Farhan.

[Conversation started on 05/12/09 22:30:33]

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : bro

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : yes?

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : where ya at

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : i juz woke up sia

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : hahaha

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : iam at home

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : oh

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : 2moro work?

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : fark sia i yest chill till morning den work at 10

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : work till 4

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : reach home knocked out till now

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : bz or wat

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : not really, why?

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : ur story

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : abt azian

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : wat 2 say (OMFG)

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : she miss called me

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : wat u wan me 2 say (double OMFG)

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : thats why

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : any ideas?

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : iam fucked

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : hahaha

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : no la

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : asked u 2 meet me yest talk u dun wan

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : i 2day dwn sia

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : sad

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : chill..

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : sighs..

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : i juz now saw ria

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : on the way home

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : dunno she wif hu

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : heart pain sia

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : chill bro.. be strong..

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : aha

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : haiz

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : eh help me!

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : hahah

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : anyway ur story hw

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : lol

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : what to say...

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : u workin 2moro anot

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : ya

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : wat time balls?

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : 8am sia

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : hahah

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : damn

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : selamat ar

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : hahah

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : aha

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : den when u off sia

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : dunno yet.

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : hrmm (playing along...)

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : what should i say to her....

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : i want to plan sui2

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : i dink i call her 2moro morning

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : coz my head now veri hard 2 absorb (kesian.. must be too much to handle lying..)

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : like keep forgetin

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : what u want to say to her?

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : say ur story la (hmmm..)

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : wat has she been sayin 2 u

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : she knows iam lying but i tried to cover

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : u got to really convince her.. (trying to diggggg...)

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : what u gonna say to her exactly, scared u terlepas something, i die

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : i haf a feelin she dun trust me (haha)

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : sighs..

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : dun u agree? (oh yes.)

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : ya lah thats why

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : how ah??

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : either u peng story 2 another person

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : which she canot contact

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : or u tell her the truth (OMFG!!!!!)

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : but iam scaredif she's gonna leave me..

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : do u think so?

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : ya man (then it must be very bad already.)

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : with what ive done

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : u r slowly gettin in2 my position balls

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : hahah

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : sighs.

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : i oso stress balls

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : i told her already

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : then??

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : as in i dun wan her 2 get in my shoes

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : wan her 2 do smth instead of depending on u 2 save the relationship

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : but she didnt do anything.. its me..

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : what truth to tell her..

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : its really gonna be so bad man!

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : ya balls

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : honestly

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : i cun dink of anytin

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : n im avoidin her

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : its makin tings look bad

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : but at the same time

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : if i confront her

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : if u avoid her she'll suspect even more balls

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : i scared tings dun go well

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : iam trying also

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : but i dont have the freakin balls

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : aha!!

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : cb

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : so how ah?

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : lol

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : honestly

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : u gotta tell the truth

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : but not the whole truth (haiyoh...)

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : say u oli chat wif her on msn

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : what u mean?

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : u dun tell her u chat wif her on the fone (this. was the final blow.)

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : if not if she get her number

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : veri jialat

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : ur as gd as dead

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : ur dead and gone~~

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : ya man

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : ok

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : now wats wif u n ducatti> (a term they used to talk about this Mas person. Even in front of me. And I remembered HaikaL getting very giggly whenever Farhan teased him. Godd...)

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : still chattin?

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : or not

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : COME CLEAN FARHAN (I couldnt take it any longer.)

han. falling in and out.....of love...my love... your love... : ?

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : farhan tell me the truth please

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : i beg u

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : I READ EVERY SINGLE WORD

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : please

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : i just need to know what haikal has been doing

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : i know u're his friend

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : pleas

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : help me

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : fine

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : let me tell u something

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : u can save our relationship by telling me the truth.

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : i love haikal so much and its not easy for me to let him go even because of a third party

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : btw i hope u and ria get back together one day.

ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) : :)

But why HaikaL... Why..... I took care of you when you got pissed drunk.. I spent alot on you all these years.. I loved you so damn much HaikaL so damn much... I went through alot of pain that night HaikaL on 2nd December 2008.. You promised me so many things.. You promised me you'd never leave me for another girl.... You promised you'd marry me.... But why are you doing this to me..... I'm still crying so hard now..... I've been crying so much lately..... I haven't slept last night..... All I did was cry.... How could you even had the heart to do this to your own babygirl that you claimed to love so much...... That you wanted to grow old with...... That you wanted to make Baby HaikaLs with.... That you wont want to waste three years for anything else in the world...... But why HaikaL.... Every day you said you loved me...... You missed me.....

Oh my God........

I didnt even know I had a beautiful rival... I didnt even know I had to share your heart.... I didnt even know you loved someone else for close to two months.......................... Oh my goddd........... How could you HaikaL........... You hurt me so damn much HaikaL.............. I had believed that you wont find another person........ I'm losing myself here.... Why... What did I do to deserve this.... You said I didn't undetstand you... But have you ever understood me? No you didnt.... HaikaL I used to fling alot before I know you...... I thought I had finally found my soul...... I didn't even contact with any other guys..... I didnt even have someone else waiting in the wings..... I only had you... I only loved you.... I only devote myself to you..... This pain is excrutiating... Tergamak HaikaL.... Tergamak you buat me mcm gini.......... 3 years tau HaikaL...... Why did you do this to me....... Don't you love me anymore...... You want someone else better than me?.... You sanggup b... Sanggup buat me mcm gini.... After what had happened the last time when you pleaded me back... You tergamak nak buat me mcm gini..... Everything dont mean anything to you anymore is it...... What do you want.... You want her as well as you want me... She loves you...... And you love her........ But I loved you most........................ :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

Please kill me...... This is too much for me....... I'm so tired of crying..... Please..... Please kill me.... I just want to die..... Don't ask me to think of our 3 years........ If you had thought about it you wouldnt have cheated on me...... I always think of us...... Looking forward to our third year..... I had planned to save up and go on a two to three days holiday with you but no........... You didnt even think of our relationship...... You didnt even think of me....... You've hurt not only me but her as well..... Tuhan maha kaya... Showed me everything..... I cant believe I neglected Allah when he helped me see all of these...... And I'm only a human girl...... What can I do but to cry and cry and cry....... Almost everyone knows about us.... ThatGuyHaikaL and ThatGhurlAzian....... It's AzianHaikaL everywhere.......... Everyone knows we made it to almost three years right after the fm days..... We were the only survivors.... But why...... I've given you everything you wanted........ I left my friends.... I even left a good paying job because of you....... Tapi you tergamak buat me mcm gini into 3 years of our relationship....... Haikal......... I loved you Haikal....... I loved you...... Nobody can ever loved you like how I did Haikal.......... NO ONE CAN EVER HAVE THE PATIENCE AND STRENGTH TO DO JUST THAT............ I'm so exhausted due to crying....... I can't breathe well...... My eyes are swollen like hell...... and my heart is shattered......

Whatever I've said in this entry, I'm not looking for sympathy nor am I looking for advices.... I just want to be alone... And to those of you who've been a constant reader of my blog, please... Please continue to read about my life stories... Please continue to have faith in me... Please pray for me.. Please pray that I'm strong enough to go through this no-words-can-describe-it phase... I'm just a girl. I'm very depressed and I've never felt anything like this before... I don't know how am I gonna pull through... 3 years isnt a short time... And for everyone who cares... This will be the end of HaikaL and Azian. The end of ThatGuyHaikaL and ThatGhurlAzian...

Below, I imposed as HaikaL again. It's the same time I'm typing this entry out.. TODAY.. This. This was the final straw...... This...... Everyone who reads this, please...... Do not blame haikal... I'm the one to be blamed for not understanding him when he got a bike.... Do not blame haikal for doing this to me..... I deserve it.... It's a wake up call for me and I thank God I found it out now rather than later.... Please.... Don't judge HaikaL for being the jerk.... He has his reasons.... And I hope that he finds his self soon....

[10:10:50] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: haikal

[10:11:02] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: yes?

[10:11:49] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: this gonna be the last from me

[10:11:58] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: what do u mean?

[10:12:31] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: Thanks alot

[10:12:37] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: ??

[10:13:17] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: do you know that Azian texted me and called me a bitch? (Yes of course I know, BITCH! It was helluva fun!!)

[10:13:23] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: yes...

[10:13:45] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says:

iam sorry about that i couldnt do anything.... (awwww..)

[10:13:48] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: and you conveniently saved your butt

[10:14:00] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i got shit ok

[10:14:37] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: she cried so much i felt so bad

[10:14:47] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: you couldn't do anything? I wasn't even mean or nasty (oh tell me about it loser~ )

[10:15:29] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i know but she just wanted to know what actually happend

[10:15:35] Mas Therefore I Am~ sayys: how about me? So I'm a bitch (OH YES OH YES YOU ARE!!!! BIG TIME LA FUCK!!! TOO BAD YOU DONT REALISE IT!!!!)

[10:15:37] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i had no choice sia

[10:15:46] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: no u're not.

[10:16:08] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: and u know that (awwww........)

[10:16:13] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i know that too :) (*flutters eyelashes* & then pukes blood. God thats disgusting.)

[10:16:30] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: come on cheer up kay

[10:16:51] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: u?

[10:17:04] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: You have broke my heart entirely. Conveniently pushing all the blame on me. (Broke your heart?... ooopss..)

[10:17:34] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: iam sorry....

[10:17:55] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I want you out of my life. (looks serious....)

[10:18:08] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: what are u gonna do?

[10:18:56] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: you know how I feel right now? That you don't even called to give explanation (well, goes to show that u're just another random bitch!)

[10:19:13] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i just didnt know what to do...

[10:19:20] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: what do u expect me to say?

[10:19:25] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: that iam sorry?

[10:19:42] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: and what am i supposed to do with azian?

[10:19:50] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: what do u think i feel?

[10:19:53] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: torn.

[10:19:57] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: you just being a chicken and just kept quiet and you seriously thought she has SMS plus whereas she don't (the fact that I just activated SMS plus the day before. Great. And haikal said they didnt contact at all for the past few days, so how did she know?)

[10:20:17] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: she has it (i really shouldnt have told her.)

[10:20:36] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: but she just cancelled (on 2nd thoughts, but to no avail. i wanted her to sms2 with haikal so that i could pounce.)

[10:20:43] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I don't even know if you are Azian now ... For all I may know I'm chatting with you azian (this definitely cracked me up. )

[10:20:59] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: hahaha

[10:21:02] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: crazy

[10:21:08] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: shes at work (yeap. at work to find out more truth, how about that?)

[10:21:24] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: so what u wanna do now?

[10:21:45] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I want you to delete me off here and forget about everything. I want you to stop passing my number

[10:22:06] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: can we meet? (i really wanted to find out if they've ever met.)

[10:22:12] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: pls?

[10:22:14] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: right. (right?? what u mean?)

[10:22:28] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: pls?

[10:23:33] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: can?

[10:24:09] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i wanna meet u

[10:26:15] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i cant call u

[10:26:41] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: my hp just got cut off

[10:27:01] You have just sent a Nudge! (stress and impatient..)

[10:27:04] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: u? (honestly i was like euw yuck thats uber disgusting. ergh gross. *bluergh*)

[10:27:34] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: sighs....

[10:27:43] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: suits u la....

[10:33:57] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: and btw...

[10:34:26] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: we cant contact each other anymore..

[10:34:42] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i love azian and i cant bear to lose her.. (yeah right haikal... u should have thought about that earlier..)

[10:35:23] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: whatever that has happend between us will be kept as memories and iam gonna miss u (indeed! euw gross gross gross!!)

[10:35:53] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: but i cant keep azian as a memory and ill always miss her..

[10:36:00] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i hope u understand..

[10:36:07] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: bye mas...

[10:36:09] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: sighss....

[10:36:22] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: imy (eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekk)

[10:36:25] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: :(

[10:43:16] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I have never ever ask you to leave azian ever (oh is that good?)

[10:43:37] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: ...

[10:43:46] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I'm just sad by how you handle the situation (why so sad now... its good that u're sad, right? i'm really happy for u..)

[10:43:59] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: iam just a boy...

[10:44:04] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: 3 years..

[10:44:20] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: will u wait for me..?

[10:44:30] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: why did she has my no.

[10:44:46] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i had no choice but to give it to her...

[10:45:02] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: iam so sorry....

[10:45:16] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: u..

[10:45:54] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: Why haikal .. Why ? I have lots of questions for you

[10:46:04] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: hit me (come on man give it to me!)

[10:46:13] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: all of them...

[10:46:52] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: First she's all dear and now she's all bitch to me .. And not for a second I was nasty to her (not for a sec but for a month. remember that.)

[10:47:26] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: shes only human..

[10:47:31] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: what can u expect..

[10:47:48] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i'd do worst anyway if it was me...

[10:47:54] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I don't want. I'm tired.emotionally tired

[10:48:05] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: dont want what? (thats why. bodoh pompan nie..)

[10:48:12] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: ok (ok ape pulak... lagging ke? eurgh.)

[10:48:30] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: ?

[10:48:58] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I will take my final leave after this. I'm glad I didn't meet you (hrmmmm... Now it's didn't meet.)

[10:49:12] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: ??

[10:50:00] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: What's with the question mark. We are done like what you said (wanna break up?? why not break ur own face?)

[10:50:43] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: do u want that??

[10:51:25] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: u..

[10:51:27] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I regret meeting you. My biggest regret .. Nothing cAn atone that (so somebody please explain to me. WHAT THE FUCK NOW?!!!)

[10:52:06] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: .....

[10:52:13] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: iam so so sorry...

[10:52:18] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: pls forgive me...

[10:52:54] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I'm not angry with azian .. I'm angry with you. You don't even have the courtesy to tell and explain (but i am so fucking angry i can kill u la. i dont even know if u guys had ever had sex anot~)

[10:53:26] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: ive no balls.. (yeahs.)

[10:54:08] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: you know how I felt? Or do you even know what happened to me last night? I had my first accident because of you . Thanks alot (awwww... sympathy? But sayang.. still alive.)

[10:54:27] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: what happend?

[10:55:47] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I'm not intending to tell. (menyampah nak mampos)

[10:55:55] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: why??

[10:55:58] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: tell me

[10:56:00] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: plsss

[10:56:10] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i care about u.. (that u'd die actually...)

[10:56:13] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: plss.. (die.. pls..)

[10:56:49] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I'm in the hospital now. I might not be able to ride after this (hahahahhahahahahaah good for u stupid attention seeker!)

[10:57:08] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: what happend??

[10:57:11] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: tell me......

[10:57:13] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: pls....

[10:57:44] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: which hospital??

[10:57:50] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i come down now (ya.. i'll bash u up into pulps..)

[11:00:41] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: do u want me to leave her?

[11:00:45] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: honestly..

[11:00:57] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: because she doesnt trust me anymore..

[11:01:03] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: theres no point...

[11:05:08] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I hit a trailer. I'm okay. I'm telling you not to gain sympathy. But to let you know this affect me real bad (ala touching like i care. i feel bad for the trailer though that he didnt just run u over and feel what iam feeling.)

[11:05:26] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: iam so sorry...

[11:05:36] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: like i said, do u want me?

[11:06:16] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: My ducati is smashed. My heart is broken. My mom might not let me ride after this (SEE? heart is broken.. and ask your mom to die too..)

[11:07:02] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: do u want me?

[11:07:54] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I'm emotionally tired now. Never in my entire life I missed a trailer before. I could be dead if the rod hit me (but u didnt, why ah?)

[11:08:33] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: ill leave azian

[11:08:45] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: we can be together

[11:08:48] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: haikalstop playing with my heart. You said one thing after another. I hate you . (its really serious indeed..)

[11:08:54] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: but ily (*pukes*)

[11:10:27] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: u...

[11:10:31] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: pls forgive me..

[11:10:40] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i take back my words..

[11:11:03] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I need to rest. Just get out of my life forever. I don't want to hear from azian either.

[11:11:20] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: pls..

[11:11:27] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: can i ask u something?

[11:11:33] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: do u love me?

[11:11:49] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: is evident (this. is the final straw.)

[11:12:08] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: ill leave her ok?

[11:13:57] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I'm sad that you don't even tell me that azian has my number. You don't. You didn't even tell me you are going to tell azian the whole thing .., you are cruel. You thought you want to save

[11:14:20] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: iam sorry what else u want me to say?

[11:14:29] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: i had no choice

[11:14:30] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: your butt. But you lose everything

[11:15:16] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: you lose me. I lost my right to my bike. I lost it (please repeat the first sentence, then repeat it 10 thousand times.)

[11:16:57] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: from today onwards. I'm dead. (Alhamdulillah. Syukur kepade Allah.)

[11:17:13] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: ...

[11:17:41] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: thanks. We start on the phone and ironically we end on the phone too.

[11:18:12] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: dont go...

[11:18:46] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I'm losing myself. I just can't believe you didn't even explain. You are worse than a girl

[11:19:37] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I need rest. I lost my charger on the road, I lost my wallet ... Everything

[11:20:46] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: I'm just stupid.

[11:21:05] Mas Therefore I Am~ says: stupid to fall for you. Stranger. (what else is there to explain now?)

[11:21:05] ThatGuyHaikaL (Msn On Iphone) says: ...

And... now... What do you think I'm feeling??.... A rival I thought I never had.. A soul I thought I had captured.... A relationship I thought was a blissful journey... And a love I thought that could never ever ever hurt me this bad...

I did not resurface. Only a miracle can help me. And I need one desperately. One that can erase memories of the past 5 years. Ok no not one but two. Another to still salvage whatever that has been left off this love. Farah or Selynna or Insyirah, if any of you are reading this, please know that whatever that has happened between me and Haikal is the best thing that has ever happened to me and do not blame him for anything. I'm the one to be blamed. I'm the one who caused him to be like this. I enjoyed my times with Nenek and all of you. I loved every single part of it. But I'm sorry, it'll only take a miracle for HaikaL and me to make it up to the 'I do' world. I wanna thank all of you for accepting me into your family. I wanna thank Nenek especially for treating me like one of her grandchildren and I wanna thank your Mummy for buying things for me when she was abroad.

There are so many things left to do. So many debris left to clear. I'm walking away..... Clutching my broken heart in my hands and surrendering to fate..... I'll fall on my knees along the way, every part of me tearing apart.... ripping into millions of pieces.... I'll lie on my sides and curl like a ball..... holding myself tight and let everything out.... I'll awake when its gone.... The next second I'll be holding my stomach and crying out for your love.... I love you, haikal..... I love you, I'll whisper.... I'll fall again and this time round I'll never be able to awake...

Now's 1:19pm. Life has got to go on, right? Talk soon everyone...

2009-05-10T22:25:00.000+08:00

Oh.My.God.

WHAT????

2009-05-06T15:23:00.003+08:00

Why can't you understand me? Why??? Why??? I need you so much and I want you so bad but why are you doing this to me? Every night I pray Allah would save this relationship. Every night I held back my tears. I DID NOT shed a single tear these past few days. I had to be strong. I was so fucking determined to let you go. I told myself what the fuck am I still waiting for, you'd rather push everything aside and indulge in your other world. The other world now plays a bigger part in your life. And I used to be every single damn part of your life but now it's torn into two. You can't have it both ways HaikaL. It's wrong.

Yes, I am selfish. I want you to myself. No one else can have you. You know why I'm doing this? Because you stole my life when I HAD one exactly like what YOU ARE HAVING now. I made my choice, I left them for you. And eveytime I limit myself to befriend someone to a certain level. I don't meet anyone else except you when I'm not working. I have NO what you call 'outside' friends.

And now. It's absolutely UNFAIR.

I love you but I hate you. I hate the fact that you morphed into a jerk because of your stupid bike. Its like you can't decide. And I really hated that.

I'm trying to make a choice here whether or not we should split up. And it depends on what you want now. Like I said. You can't have both. We've been through alot alot of shit for the past 35 months. I'm not going to easily throw it all away. The memories we built can never be erased. And I tell you there's a whole lot of them. From Day 1 to this very second.

I can throw all of your stuffs away right now if I'm still not in love with you. I could have just thrown every single damn thing and shut you off from my life. But I can't. I would really love to, but I can't. No, it's not I can't. I DON'T want to do it. I love you so much. And I really wish you would realise the damage you've done. You broke me apart time and time again HaikaL but I still stood up tall. I held on to whatever feeling that I have left for you to this very day. I wish I could make you see that some things you just got to stop doing for it to start developing again.

Choosing between friends and your loved one is the most cliched choice you'll ever get to make in your life. Those who chose friends will eventually be badmouthed by that loved one. And those who chose his/her loved one would eventually be the talk of the town. Oh she's a stupid girl. I don't see what's in her that he's so mad about. That is the most ridiculous choice she's ever made. He's lost his mind to let his friends go.

The point is; what will you gain after you've made your choice? Did you make the right decision to leave? Or stay? To keep being a burden, or to evolve into a better person over time?

You know what though? You're the best mistake I've ever made. I never regretted it until today. The best burden I've ever carried. The best scoundrel I've ever loved. The best boy that I've ever hated. The best regret that I've ever kept.

I want you. And no one else. But if you push me too far I am left with no other choice. You tell me HaikaL. What do you want?

I'm so hungry now I feel like eating ikan goreng and nasi with kicap manis. Ugh that's a bad sign...

differences.

2009-05-02T23:22:00.002+08:00

The difference between me and you is when you told me you had to go, I had too many things to say.

The difference between me and you is when you're gone, I did nothing but miss you.

The difference between me and you is it makes me restless when you're not at home. It makes me paranoid.

The difference between me and you is when something is wrong, you become this irritatingly blind person.

The difference between me and you is when I flip, you pass me by, eyes closed.

The difference between me and you is when I say no, you take it as a yes. Technically.

And the difference between me and you is that I own a four-wheeler and you, a two.

When I got it, I wasn't as preoccupied. I didn't waste my time prettifying it. I didn't waste my time gawking at it. Mine's a second-hand too. I know it's not worth to fully satisfy its needs because I might as well just buy a new one at the very beginning. And it WAS a regret, it still is. $700 a month could have been spent on clothes, shoes and accessories. Nevertheless, I am still thankful. Who am I to lament? Afterall we spent plenty of time separated by the handbrake in it. BEFORE your two-wheeler.

Now let me emphasize. Plenty of time IN it. And what am I missing now? Public. Public transport. Where we'd spent almost an hour sitting or standing beside each other before reaching destinations. I would lay my head on your shoulder, our fingers intertwined together. A couple of times we would kiss in public. (With what I remember since June 18th 2006) Only a couple of times. Light intimacy can only be achieved in the cinemas. That's the only time I get to hold and feel you throughout the 2 hours.

The difference between me and you is that for me, every little thing matters.

I miss the warmth of you. I breathe in the scent of your body babe, your body, everytime I meet you because I don't want to ever forget how you smelt like. The smell of a baby in the morning after his first bath. That irresistable scent. Do you think I'd ever forget that? Your scent lingered in my car for about 2 weeks before it evaporated. The passenger seat's back rest smelled strongly of you during the times you sat in it. Not Bvlgari or Issey Miyake. But that powdery smell.

Don't you miss anything about me? Do you even remember how I look like? Do you even know how I smelled like? Do you even bother to know?

The difference between me and you is that when you're in love, you're not as passionate.

Bet the three days I'm gone you'll enjoy yourself with your friends huh? Glad for you.

And oh, just stop. Stop asking me the 'M' word. You wanted to get yourself a bike so find a way, Smart Alec.

back.

2009-04-28T23:24:00.001+08:00

Matilda was AWESOME.

desperado.

2009-04-26T23:00:00.000+08:00

I need to get out of here.

Desperately.

nineteen dollars. NO WAY!

2009-04-21T23:34:00.003+08:00

I had free facial and basic make up done by Joanna today since she had to bring models to put her skills to test. It was great. I personally loved their apple soft mask. It was super cool. The whole time it stayed on my face, I enjoyed every single precious moment of it. The whole procedure was kind of relaxing.

Why I say so is because at the same time my facial was being done, one of Joanna's classmates was asked to do a basic pedicure on me. And NO ONE or NOTHING touches the sole of my feet except for the ground I walked on or my footwear. And this Hana (a Peranakan lady in her 40s -Nyonya as claimed by Joanna) had to be the grateful one touching my feet with her fragile little fingers (feels like it). I had to endure the level of ticklishness k and I tell you, it was really really ticklish. I cannot tahan. I just about barked with laughter right there and then. I pulled my feet away from her hands and jerked and terperanjat2 when she dealt with my feet.

OMG really. I cannot stand it.

Then she re-painted my toenails in a brighter shade of red from the previous one. And honestly, speaking from the experienced point of view, it was actually quite close to okay. Perhaps if she had practiced more and learn how to even out the lacquer, it could have been a nicely done job. Her strokes were merely amateur for a start. Secondly she didn't apply a generous amount of colour and top coat. And lastly she either flooded my cuticle area or didn't paint properly. Overall, from afar it was nice. I showed Joanna and she omg-ed, haha-ed and see-I-told-you.

However the highlight of the day was not about the free facial or whatsoever.

It was about the damn carpark fee which was horrifying. And dkghwiorpihyriwpthnbodprwg.

We reached the place at about 1.30pm. And left at about 6pm. So I thought having $11.60 in my cashcard was just about enough to get out of the building, right?

But boy was I wrong.

So I happily drove down towards the exit and when I passed the beeper, the thing was like literally screaming "Insufficient value, you stupid bitch!" at me. Panicked, I huh-omg-how-die-argh-fuck!!-die2!!!-why-so-expensive-knnccb-argh!!!!-behind-got-people-anot??-argh-fuck-man!!- to Joanna sitting beside me. So she helped to keep a lookout for me while I reversed on that squeezy two lane road and made a three point turn (u-turn). Found a parking space and parked for while ransacking our brains before getting out to find a 7-eleven to top up another 10 bucks into my cashcard.

And guess how much was the fee.

I caught a glimpse of the fees on a blue board before leaving that god-damned place. It was something like this:

First half hour: $2.00

Subsequent hour: $I can't remember.

From 5pm to 6pm (was it?): $Another I can't remember.

So lets roughly calculate together using what I knew. Reached the place at about 1.30pm, left about 6pm. 1.30pm to 2.30pm is one hour. One hour equates to four freaking singapore dollars. So 1.30pm to 6.30pm is about five hours. And five hours is equivalent to.. TWENTY FREAKING SING DOLLS.

Minus half an hour which would be until 6pm, is eighteen squids. And taking the time to find a bloody 7-eleven was 15mins. So in total we spent 4 hrs and 15 mins in that building. So it could have been $17 if I'm correct.

But, maybe from 5pm to 6pm was $2.00. Because the damned fee was freaking $19 in total!!!!! 4 hrs and 15 mins squeezed out 19 freaking sing dolls out of my poor blue butterfly cashcard!!

Am I ever stepping into that building with a car?

The answer is a straight and foreward NO. It could have cost me about less than half the price taking public. But I chose to be adamant and a complete imbecile so serves me right.

And thanks, only now I was told there were actually open carparks somwhere in that area within walking distance from the building. Hmm great. With the fact that I'm now entirely broke to the max, life just can't get any better than this.

randoommmm

2009-04-20T22:35:00.002+08:00

Three things I will do tmr; get very bored, very very bored and then super-dead bored.

Of life.

Today the nail polish bottle I used to store cuticle oil dropped into the sink and broke. It broke into pieces. Broke. Into pieces. In the sink.

And I did only one thing.

STARED.

No actually two, in precise.

STARED and GET PARANOID.

Oh, you know why. Superstitious indeed.. I'm not avoiding the inevitable instead I'll just say my silent prayer every night (like I always do) to keep the ones I love close to my heart, at least.

And its ONLY the twentieth, I feel like a hapless individual. Oh please oh please come to me faster PAY DAY!!